Things this film taught me; white people are dicks because they enslaved the tribesmen of the Congo, the tribesmen are dicks because they killed Tarzan's adoptive gorilla mother, gorillas are dicks because they insist on awkward social rituals mostly involving unfriendly growling and over enthusiastic back patting. Tarzan is a dick because he killed the son of the tribesmen's chief, Christoph Waltz is a dick because he's gonna give Tarzan to the tribesmen so they can kill him back and Samuel L. Jackson is a dick because he freely thinks that everybody else is a dick. The editor is a dick because he petulantly refuses to let you know what's going on at any given moment, the director is a dick because he supervised this inexcusable shit into the world and, according to my mother, I'm a dick for not liking this flaccid bollocks because the landscapes were 'breathtaking'.
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