Sunday, 14 July 2019

Whirlpool [She Died With Her Boots On/ Perversion Flash]


A horny old lady and her psychotic nephew invite a model to their remote house to ply her with drugs and alcohol so they can have lots of sex with her, and each other, all whilst the model tries to figure out what happened to the last girl in her position, which you already know because of the tagline on the movie poster.

Forbidden Photos Of A Lady Above Suspicion [Le foto proibite di una signora per bene]


Incredibly convoluted mystery that hinges on the extreme pliabilty of the central heroine, with an ending that I think might be one of the cleverest reveals in giallo cinema but everything's so muddled by that point I wasn't sure that I'd got all the facts right, or even if they were facts.

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

Midsommar


Absolutely fucking phenomenal. On every level.

Thursday, 4 July 2019

High Life


Usually when an arthouse movie posits 'Isn't life special?' it's so it can put you through a few hours of mumbling before slapping you across the face with a resounding 'Yes! Of course it is!'
This rather refreshingly goes for 'No, not really. But that we keep asking that question is.'

Wednesday, 3 July 2019

Spider-Man: Far From Home


A clever villain that subverts expectation and some jaw dropping shot choices make this more than just an Endgame postscript.

Yesterday


Difficult to like. I tried, but it's bollocks.

Men In Black: International


Not only have I lost the two hours I wasted sitting through this, but I've also lost the hour it took for my face muscles to uncramp from the consistent wincing at just how fucking awful it was.
The teenager said she liked it but only because Hemsworth took his shirt off.

Friday, 28 June 2019

Venus In Furs [Le malizie di Venere/ Devil In The Flesh]


A valiant attempt at a serious psychosexual study of masochism rendered unintelligible by Italian film making.

Thursday, 27 June 2019

Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood


In which I'm pretty sure Dennis Miller imagines he's dropping spontaneous diamond sharp wisecracks throughout and that will make him a star, when in fact what he's actually doing is just describing what's happening in a patronising, faintly mocking tone of voice which makes him a wanker.

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth


An experiment in what would somebody look like with 'x' in their head, where 'x' can be freely replaced with pins, pistons, barbed wire, a camera, a lump of ice, hooks, pool balls, CDs, a cigarette or even Pinhead himself but absolutely not 'a single clue of how to make a decent fucking movie'.

Wednesday, 26 June 2019

Toy Story 4


In the first a toy with an identity crisis leads everybody else off on a big adventure, then in the second everybody has to fend off unwanted advances from a bunch of old collectable toys and finally in the third the toys become self aware and begin to consider larger questions about their existence.
No, not previous installments in the series, I'm describing the three acts in this one.

Monday, 24 June 2019

Child's Play [2019 Remake]


Fun romp that would have been even more fun if it didn't have the trappings of a 30 year old movie randomly strewn about it.

Wednesday, 19 June 2019

Brightburn


A pub conversation turned into a movie.

Monday, 17 June 2019

Cold Moon


An over abundance of oddball supporting characters and unecessary subplots smother a mediocre tale of vengeance from beyond the grave.

Sunday, 16 June 2019

X-Men: Dark Phoenix


Somebody had the bright idea to redo the Dark Phoenix storyline from the fucking awful X-Men 3: The Last Stand. Unfortunately somebody also had the bright idea to make this one shitter than X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

Saturday, 15 June 2019

The Fifth Cord [Giornata nera per l'ariete/ Evil Fingers]


A reporter drunkenly stumbles from one corpse to another, all of which are linked to him in some way, but unfortunately he's always so smashed off his face that he never has an alibi for their murder. Then just as he's convinced he might actually be responsible, even though he clearly isn't, the real killer rocks up and they have a totally unnecessary but utterly ace fight in a factory.

Sunday, 9 June 2019

Glass


The third in a trilogy and where Shymalan chooses to take the tale next stands alongside some of his best work, however how he chooses to get there stands alongside some of his worst. Which in turn puts me in a quandary because I can’t decide if this Glass is half ace or half ass.

Thursday, 6 June 2019

Hounds Of Love


A disturbed couple kidnap a teenager for some casual atrocity whilst they deftly swerve around the usual cliches found in this kind of thing. For some reason I identified most strongly with the bit where it was pointed out to the teenager that none of this would have happened if she'd just listened to her parents.

Wednesday, 5 June 2019

Hellbound: Hellraiser II


A bold attempt to directly continue Barker's original tale that starts well enough but ironically loses its way when all the characters start stumbling about in the labyrinths of Hell.

Sunday, 2 June 2019

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters


Reminded me of a time I did a shit so big that the top two inches protruded proudly from the water.

Tom Holland's Twisted Tales


Not actually an anthology or a film for that matter. This is a series of nine web episodes full of half baked ideas, smothered in astonishingly poor digital effects and apalling attempts at acting, with each one introduced by Tom Holland in the manner of an old man telling his care home nurse that he's just shit himself.

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

Les diabolique [The Devils]


A cornerstone of horror cinema, so many threads sprang from this that are still being yanked on today.
Most revolutionary was the idea of deploying a twist ending that forces the viewer to re-evaluate everything they've watched, something which is now ubiquitous, promptly followed by a plea from the director to not spoil it for others, something which is also now ubiquitous.

Demonic Toys


An attempt to follow the Puppet Master series with a whole new range of glove puppets terrorising bad actors. An early David S. Goyer script means this is better than all the Puppet Masters but it's still a Charles Band production, so it's still toe curlingly wank.

Monday, 27 May 2019

Code Unknown [Code inconnu: Récit incomplet de divers voyages]


People who are seen as incredibly seperate through divisions such as class, race or affluence are shown to be united by the fact that none of them has any idea what the fuck is going on in their life.

Bad Dreams


A Nightmare On Elm St Part 3: The Dream Warriors - Part 2; The Second Support Group.

The Demons [Les démons]


Isn't about Demons, is about witches who are actually nuns that everybody wants to have sex with as soon as they see them. Except eventually the nuns get fed up with people always wanting to have sex with them, mainly due to the inevitable witch torture that usually follows the sex, and reveal they are actually witches who have made a pact with Satan so they can kiss people and turn them into plastic skeletons. Still doesn't make them Demons though.

Sunday, 26 May 2019

Opera [Terror At The Opera]


Some of Argento's films are made by 'genius Argento', he's the guy who brings the wild fits of visual invention, the incredible displays of sadistic violence and the weird unreal dream like qualities draped nonchalantly across absolutely everything. Some of his films are made by 'shit Argento', the guy responsible for all the fucking excruciating dialogue, the laughably nonsensical plotting, the grating self reference and the total and undeniable lack of any form of  control over the entire film making process.
Most unusually, this one is made by both of them at the same time.

Saturday, 18 May 2019

Contamination [Alien Contamination/ Contamination - Alien arriva sulla Terra]


The director of Starcrash proves it was no one off of feacal brilliance with yet another movie that's so naively shit it's amazing. This time it's a rip off of Alien with the space crew replaced by a bickering cop and a wooden colonel, the gargantuan spaceship interiors replaced by a coffee factory and the alien removed entirely so now when little wobbly green alien eggs open people simply explode immediately. So many highlights, but my favourite is a scientist who makes a mouse explode in a bell jar to demonstrate the seriousness of the alien threat and the cop amiably comments "I saw that happen to humans".
Utterly King.

Tuesday, 14 May 2019

Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight


This was a firm favourite when I was a teenager, so even now I'm able to see that it's nowhere near as clever as I thought, the effects are shoddy as fuck and the acting persistently swerves between hokey and wooden, I still find it difficult to dislike because it's ace.

Sunday, 12 May 2019

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night


I'm always ready to praise something for being different, and an Iranian Vampire Western is certainly different even if it is just a limp version of Let The Right One In on a skateboard.

Friday, 10 May 2019

Police Story 2 [Ging chaat goo si juk jaap]


Whereas in the original the stuntwork was both fraught with danger and visually impressive, this time around there's less concern with being visually impressive and instead a lot more on causing Jackie Chan as much pain as is legally possible on a film set.

Monday, 6 May 2019

The Vault Of Horror


Five excellent Tales From The Crypt adaptations that showcase a far more macabre, bloodthirsty side to Amicus and a wrap around story written by somebody that clearly could not give a fuck about what was going on.

A Cat In The Brain [Un gatto nel cervello/ Nightmare Concert]


In which Fulci stars as a version of himself plagued by visions of brutal sadistic violence, sordid sleazy sex and overblown nazi orgies all brought on by the demented insanity he must stage and film for his own movies. This could have been a complex meta commentary on Horror and its impact on the creator, but is actually just an excuse to recycle all the nastiest bits from a series of cheap horror movies made by other directors and released under the banner 'Lucio Fulci Presents' in the late eighties, the net result being I now want to watch all of them.

Saturday, 27 April 2019

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2


Hooper goes for a very different tone with this one, pushing all the demented insanity of the original to far more outrageous extremes, which in turn makes for an absolute riot of a movie. King.

Phantom Of The Paradise


Tries to be Phantom Of The Opera, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Faust, The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Valley Of The Dolls and Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls all at the same time. A big mess of a movie.

Thursday, 25 April 2019

Madhouse [There Was A Little Girl/ Scared To Death/ And Then She Was Bad]


A vague Argento attempt that goes laughably over the top every time somebody has to hack up a dummy full of animal guts or the glove puppet dog has to rip a rubbery neck to shreds, which happens a lot.

Avengers: Endgame [IMAX 3D]


Delivers. In spades.

Monday, 22 April 2019

Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment [Ginî piggu - Akuma no jikken]


A notorious Japanese nasty, legendary for its gruesome intensity and extreme scenes of torture. So I was surprised at the fairly lengthy sequence of the girl being spun around in an office chair 200 times to make her really dizzy. And the bit where she had maggots gently sprinkled on her to create mild discomfort. And the bit where they just threw tripe at her and laughed for fucking ages. It often felt a bit like a weird arty Asian Jackass.

Sunday, 21 April 2019

The Forest


About twenty minutes of shitty story stretched to eighty minutes of shitty movie by padding out every instance of travel with agonising detail, the only advantage to this being if a character set off from one side of a room I could have a ten minute doze and wake up as they arrived at the other.

Saturday, 20 April 2019

Clerks


25 years old and has lost none of its charm. A remarkable bit of film making.

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Goodfellas


After watching Green Book the teenager stated that she really liked watching movies with Italian gangster characters in them and she wanted to watch more, so...
After watching Goodfellas the teenager stated that it was just a load of Italian gangsters doing whatever they wanted and this was boring.
Being a teenager is a minefield.

Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Elizabeth


A historical biopic, apparently essential viewing if you're doing a History GCSE, set across many years. Although the only way to know this is by Elizabeth's changing hairstyles as nothing else appeared to really change, presumably there will be a question about this on the exam.

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

Pet Sematary


King's most nihilistic novel tamed, given a modern horror polish and turned into a spooky jump scare movie.

Sunday, 7 April 2019

The Sister Of Ursula [La sorella di Ursula]


A silhouette with staring green eyes interupts a number of women, usually involved in some sort of softcore sex action, and murders them with a crude wooden dildo. Whilst this is going on the only other character with green eyes spends the entire movie telling people what the killer is going to do and everybody assumes this is because the character in question is pyschic rather than a murderer who's crap at keeping shit to themself. Awful.

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Police Story [Ging chaat goo si]


A dazzling compendium of outrageous stuntwork, outrageous fight choreography and an outrageous number of people being thrown through every conceivable breakable object.

Friday, 5 April 2019

The Burning


A sleazy Friday The 13th clone with a leering, ogling approach to its female characters made all the more insidious by subplots that try to normalise sexually aggressive behaviour and dismiss sex pests as harmless, which in turn is given an even darker edge by an opening credit that states this was all created by Harvey Weinstein.
All of which is overshadowed by having to watch George from Seinfeld in his early twenties playing a teenager. With hair.

Monday, 1 April 2019

The House By The Cemetry [Quella villa accanto al cimitero]


Fulci's innate inability to handle story, subtlety or logic actually works in his favour as every character behaves unusually, creating weird atmospheres that then frequently explode into an excess of gory stabbing. King.

Wednesday, 27 March 2019

Shazam!


About a young boy given the ability to become a superpowered adult by simply uttering a word. Would have worked better if somebody had told both child and adult actor that they were meant to be playing the same person.

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

The Toolbox Murders


Fairly ropey late seventies slasher that was briefly banned by the BBFC because a lady has a wank in the bath.

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Us


Really enjoyed this but couldn't decide if it was truly brilliant. So I thought about it a lot, then I discussed it at length, then I thought about it a whole lot more. Then I realised that I can't remember the last time a horror movie made me think about it this much. Truly brilliant.