Saturday, 18 May 2019

Contamination [Alien Contamination/ Contamination - Alien arriva sulla Terra]

The director of Starcrash proves it was no one off of feacal brilliance with yet another movie that's so naively shit it's amazing. This time it's a rip off of Alien with the space crew replaced by a bickering cop and a wooden colonel, the gargantuan spaceship interiors replaced by a coffee factory and the alien removed entirely so now when little wobbly green alien eggs open people simply explode immediately. So many highlights, but my favourite is a scientist who makes a mouse explode in a bell jar to demonstrate the seriousness of the alien threat and the cop amiably comments "I saw that happen to humans".
Utterly King.

Tuesday, 14 May 2019

Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

This was a firm favourite when I was a teenager, so even now I'm able to see that it's nowhere near as clever as I thought, the effects are shoddy as fuck and the acting persistently swerves between hokey and wooden, I still find it difficult to dislike because it's ace.

Sunday, 12 May 2019

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night

I'm always ready to praise something for being different, and an Iranian Vampire Western is certainly different even if it is just a limp version of Let The Right One In on a skateboard.

Friday, 10 May 2019

Police Story 2 [Ging chaat goo si juk jaap]

Whereas in the original the stuntwork was both fraught with danger and visually impressive, this time around there's less concern with being visually impressive and instead a lot more on causing Jackie Chan as much pain as is legally possible on a film set.

Monday, 6 May 2019

The Vault Of Horror

Five excellent Tales From The Crypt adaptations that showcase a far more macabre, bloodthirsty side to Amicus and a wrap around story written by somebody that clearly could not give a fuck about what was going on.

A Cat In The Brain [Un gatto nel cervello/ Nightmare Concert]

In which Fulci stars as a version of himself plagued by visions of brutal sadistic violence, sordid sleazy sex and overblown nazi orgies all brought on by the demented insanity he must stage and film for his own movies. This could have been a complex meta commentary on Horror and its impact on the creator, but is actually just an excuse to recycle all the nastiest bits from a series of cheap horror movies made by other directors and released under the banner 'Lucio Fulci Presents' in the late eighties, the net result being I now want to watch all of them.

Saturday, 27 April 2019

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2

Hooper goes for a very different tone with this one, pushing all the demented insanity of the original to far more outrageous extremes, which in turn makes for an absolute riot of a movie. King.

Phantom Of The Paradise

Tries to be Phantom Of The Opera, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Faust, The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Valley Of The Dolls and Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls all at the same time. A big mess of a movie.

Thursday, 25 April 2019

Madhouse [There Was A Little Girl/ Scared To Death/ And Then She Was Bad]

A vague Argento attempt that goes laughably over the top every time somebody has to hack up a dummy full of animal guts or the glove puppet dog has to rip a rubbery neck to shreds, which happens a lot.

Avengers: Endgame [IMAX 3D]

Delivers. In spades.

Monday, 22 April 2019

Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment [Ginî piggu - Akuma no jikken]

A notorious Japanese nasty, legendary for its gruesome intensity and extreme scenes of torture. So I was surprised at the fairly lengthy sequence of the girl being spun around in an office chair 200 times to make her really dizzy. And the bit where she had maggots gently sprinkled on her to create mild discomfort. And the bit where they just threw tripe at her and laughed for fucking ages. It often felt a bit like a weird arty Asian Jackass.

Sunday, 21 April 2019

The Forest

About twenty minutes of shitty story stretched to eighty minutes of shitty movie by padding out every instance of travel with agonising detail, the only advantage to this being if a character set off from one side of a room I could have a ten minute doze and wake up as they arrived at the other.

Saturday, 20 April 2019


25 years old and has lost none of its charm. A remarkable bit of film making.

Wednesday, 17 April 2019


After watching Green Book the teenager stated that she really liked watching movies with Italian gangster characters in them and she wanted to watch more, so...
After watching Goodfellas the teenager stated that it was just a load of Italian gangsters doing whatever they wanted and this was boring.
Being a teenager is a minefield.

Tuesday, 16 April 2019


A historical biopic, apparently essential viewing if you're doing a History GCSE, set across many years. Although the only way to know this is by Elizabeth's changing hairstyles as nothing else appeared to really change, presumably there will be a question about this on the exam.

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

Pet Sematary

King's most nihilistic novel tamed, given a modern horror polish and turned into a spooky jump scare movie.

Sunday, 7 April 2019

The Sister Of Ursula [La sorella di Ursula]

A silhouette with staring green eyes interupts a number of women, usually involved in some sort of softcore sex action, and murders them with a crude wooden dildo. Whilst this is going on the only other character with green eyes spends the entire movie telling people what the killer is going to do and everybody assumes this is because the character in question is pyschic rather than a murderer who's crap at keeping shit to themself. Awful.

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Police Story [Ging chaat goo si]

A dazzling compendium of outrageous stuntwork, outrageous fight choreography and an outrageous number of people being thrown through every conceivable breakable object.

Friday, 5 April 2019

The Burning

A sleazy Friday The 13th clone with a leering, ogling approach to its female characters made all the more insidious by subplots that try to normalise sexually aggressive behaviour and dismiss sex pests as harmless, which in turn is given an even darker edge by an opening credit that states this was all created by Harvey Weinstein.
All of which is overshadowed by having to watch George from Seinfeld in his early twenties playing a teenager. With hair.

Monday, 1 April 2019

The House By The Cemetry [Quella villa accanto al cimitero]

Fulci's innate inability to handle story, subtlety or logic actually works in his favour as every character behaves unusually creating weird atmospheres that then frequently explode into an excess of gory stabbing. King.

Wednesday, 27 March 2019


About a young boy given the ability to become a superpowered adult by simply uttering a word. Would have worked better if somebody had told both child and adult actor that they were meant to be playing the same person.

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

The Toolbox Murders

Fairly ropey late seventies slasher that was briefly banned by the BBFC because a lady has a wank in the bath.

Sunday, 24 March 2019


Really enjoyed this but couldn't decide if it was truly brilliant. So I thought about it a lot, then I discussed it at length, then I thought about it a whole lot more. Then I realised that I can't remember the last time a horror movie made me think about it this much. Truly brilliant.

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Instant Family

Was forced to see this by the teenager who insisted it would somehow be good, despite every protestation I could muster. Ended up with a film considerably better than any of my low expectations and an irritatingly smug teenager who persistently crowed about how much I laughed at it. Which was all of twice.

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

If Beale Street Could Talk

A fondness for lingering shots that expertly express base emotion makes for a film that feels very long but is no worse off for it.

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Captain Marvel [IMAX 3D]

Marvel flip their origin story script so instead of a human being coming to terms with being superpowered we have a superpowered being coming to terms with being human.
The teenager said she liked it because there was a lot of cool stuff going on, but she also didn't like it because at no point did she get goosebumps.

Monday, 11 March 2019

The Call

Spectacularly awful thriller that focuses more on workplace anxieties than the poor teenage girl being abducted at length, with an ending whose sole purpose appears to be to prove that when you thought things could not get any shitter they absolutely can.

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Green Book

An awkward mash up of a role reversed Driving Miss Daisy and a role reversed Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Well meaning but ultimately a little bit offensive.

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Fighting With My Family

Billed as an 'incredible' true story, though all that really happens is somebody who is very good at wrestling tries out at an audition, succeeds and goes on to a career in wrestling because they're very good at wrestling. Hardly incredible is it.

Friday, 22 February 2019

The Amazing Mr. No Legs

Everybody tries their best with what is essentially an extremely cheap excuse to set-up a fight between a man with no legs and a very basic Bruce Lee lookalike that clearly runs out of script an hour in and devolves into just a bunch of cars crashing into each other for the remainder of the movie.

White Of The Eye

An American Giallo destroyed by the dual efforts of Cathy Moriarty's dead eyed delivery vacuuming all emotion from the movie and David Keith wildly overacting in a doomed attempt to compensate.

Putney Swope

Often hilarious, although the gaps between the funny bits began to get longer and longer as the film went on.

Thursday, 21 February 2019

The Trip

Undoubtedly a fascinating and eye opening experience for all involved in it, but to an outside observer it's occasionally amusing and a little bit tedious and overlong. Just like any good trip should be.

2019: After The Fall Of New York [2019 – Dopo la caduta di New York]

A wealth of cinematic post-apocalyptic dystopia cynically boiled down to the bare minimum of car chases in deserts, people in leather staring into the middle distance and a man dressed as a giant talking ape.
Fucking shite.

Special Mission Lady Chaplin [Missione speciale Lady Chaplin]

A fairly decent attempt at a Bond style caper. Though the most notable bit was a man running very slowly up a very steep hill, so make of that what you will.


Always thought Shaft was some kind of badass. Watched this and found out he's just a bit of a dick.

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

Thriller: A Cruel Picture [They Call Her One Eye/ Hooker's Revenge]

High on style, slow motion and cathartic violence, low on sense, logic or any nod to realism whatsoever. The most talked about movie of Joefest, mainly due to somebody putting a finger in somebody elses bum.

Hour Of The Wolf [Vargtimmen]

A painter’s artistic madness and personal demons are made literal against the stark foreboding backdrop of a barren Swedish isle. Should have been bored, was instead hopelessly enthralled. Except for the bits I slept through.

Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre [Harpoon]

Iceland's first horror movie.
Serves as advice for other countries considering making their first horror movie, that advice being make sure you can actually make a fucking movie before you attempt a horror movie or you're gonna end up with a bunch of wank.

The Man Who Thought Life [Manden der tænkte ting]

An elegantly told doppelganger tale with a pleasing sting in its tail. Far better than I really expected from 60s Danish cinema.

Tuesday, 19 February 2019

Chopping Mall

A fairly regular 80s teen party interruption massacre.

Demon Seed

In which a rampant AI and his polyhedral dildo coerce Julie Christie in to having a baby simply by being able to lock doors and turn the cooker on. We give computers too much power these days.

Death Machine

Stands on its impressive robot puppetry. Unfortunately the use of puppetry means what should be an imposing threat always looks like it's got its huge ass stuck in a hole. Falls on everything else.

Saturn 3

In which a young Farrah Fawcett and an old Kirk Douglas vary through the full spectrum of states of undress meaning each scene is either a combination of excitement and repulsion or disappointment and relief.

The Cat [Lao Mao]

A novelist helps a 1000 year old alien defend earth against some angry tentacles. The downside here is the 1000 year old alien is played by a cat and thus couldn't possibly give any less of a shit about anything that is happening, whilst everybody just grins at it trying to convince you it does. The upside is the cat suplexes a dog, so King. As. Fuck.

Monday, 18 February 2019

Rampant [Chang-gwol]

If the fucking awful, dodgy, knock off subtitling is the most notable thing about a movie, something's gone wrong.
Also had a similar running into a room, hitting stuff and then lots of jumping vibe previously seen in Turkish Star Wars.

Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam [The Man Who Saves The World/ Turkish Star Wars]

A load of bootleg Star Wars clips with a voiceover that confusingly swaps good guy ships for bad guys and vice versa followed by a bunch of propaganda about how great Turkish men are and how they're particularly good at running into rooms full of people then alternating between kicking them and hitting them with both fists at the same time. And then lots of jumping. Often slowly.

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Escape Room

The teenager insisted on watching this. Ended up pleasantly surprised because I was expecting shit, but got slightly above average instead. The teenager got smug because it wasn't shit.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

Whereas the first one was a clever subversion of kids movies, this was a subversion of the first movie which cancels out the subversions leaving just a really good kids movie.
The teeanger said it was better than the first one simply because they went to more places.

Sunday, 10 February 2019


Induces nausea from the off and then shoves you through a barrage of bleak atrocity. Brilliant, though I'd struggle to call it enjoyable.