Friday, 28 June 2019

Venus In Furs [Le malizie di Venere/ Devil In The Flesh]

A valiant attempt at a serious psychosexual study of masochism rendered unintelligible by Italian film making.

Thursday, 27 June 2019

Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood

In which I'm pretty sure Dennis Miller imagines he's dropping spontaneous diamond sharp wisecracks throughout and that will make him a star, when in fact what he's actually doing is just describing what's happening in a patronising, faintly mocking tone of voice which makes him a wanker.

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth

An experiment in what would somebody look like with 'x' in their head, where 'x' can be freely replaced with pins, pistons, barbed wire, a camera, a lump of ice, hooks, pool balls, CDs, a cigarette or even Pinhead himself but absolutely not 'a single clue of how to make a decent fucking movie'.

Wednesday, 26 June 2019

Toy Story 4

In the first a toy with an identity crisis leads everybody else off on a big adventure, then in the second everybody has to fend off unwanted advances from a bunch of old collectable toys and finally in the third the toys become self aware and begin to consider larger questions about their existence.
No, not previous installments in the series, I'm describing the three acts in this one.

Monday, 24 June 2019

Child's Play [2019 Remake]

Fun romp that would have been even more fun if it didn't have the trappings of a 30 year old movie randomly strewn about it.

Wednesday, 19 June 2019


A pub conversation turned into a movie.

Monday, 17 June 2019

Cold Moon

An over abundance of oddball supporting characters and unecessary subplots smother a mediocre tale of vengeance from beyond the grave.

Sunday, 16 June 2019

X-Men: Dark Phoenix

Somebody had the bright idea to redo the Dark Phoenix storyline from the fucking awful X-Men 3: The Last Stand. Unfortunately somebody also had the bright idea to make this one shitter than X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

Saturday, 15 June 2019

The Fifth Cord [Giornata nera per l'ariete/ Evil Fingers]

A reporter drunkenly stumbles from one corpse to another, all of which are linked to him in some way, but unfortunately he's always so smashed off his face that he never has an alibi for their murder. Then just as he's convinced he might actually be responsible, even though he clearly isn't, the real killer rocks up and they have a totally unnecessary but utterly ace fight in a factory.

Sunday, 9 June 2019


The third in a trilogy and where Shymalan chooses to take the tale next stands alongside some of his best work, however how he chooses to get there stands alongside some of his worst. Which in turn puts me in a quandary because I can’t decide if this Glass is half ace or half ass.

Thursday, 6 June 2019

Hounds Of Love

A disturbed couple kidnap a teenager for some casual atrocity whilst they deftly swerve around the usual cliches found in this kind of thing. For some reason I identified most strongly with the bit where it was pointed out to the teenager that none of this would have happened if she'd just listened to her parents.

Wednesday, 5 June 2019

Hellbound: Hellraiser II

A bold attempt to directly continue Barker's original tale that starts well enough but ironically loses its way when all the characters start stumbling about in the labyrinths of Hell.

Sunday, 2 June 2019

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters

Reminded me of a time I did a shit so big that the top two inches protruded proudly from the water.

Tom Holland's Twisted Tales

Not actually an anthology or a film for that matter. This is a series of nine web episodes full of half baked ideas, smothered in astonishingly poor digital effects and apalling attempts at acting, with each one introduced by Tom Holland in the manner of an old man telling his care home nurse that he's just shit himself.