Monday, 31 May 2010


A pretty girl dealing with the twin poisoned chalices of being irresistible to all man whilst being totally batshit insane, loses the plot extremely slowly and in doing so generates staggering levels of tension.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Deep Red [Profondo Rosso]

Five brilliantly demented, hyper stylish deaths soundtracked by some quite outrageous synth funk.
The lengthy gaps between deaths are filled with a bizarre battle-of-the-sexes detective adventure story that makes little sense, but is soundtracked by some quite outrageous synth funk.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Prince Of Persia : The Sands Of Time

Most closely resembles a loud, rude stream of offal.
Are there really people watching and expressing surprise as two-thirds of the way in Ben Kingsley is revealed to be the bad guy when IT'S ON THE FUCKING POSTER.

Hallucinations Of A Deranged Mind [DelĂ­rios de um Anormal]

A torrent of clips from past Coffin Joe movies clipped together with a dizzying pace plus a few new bits slapped in to try and justify why you are watching this madness.
Yet despite seeming to be a cynical rehash of old scenes it ends up being quite possibly the most unhinged thing you could possibly sit through, total fucking lunacy.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Watchmen [The Ultimate Cut]

Proves all geeky obsessives right in that if you just don't tamper with the source of an adaptation, you will produce a truly magnificent film.
Proves the money makers right in that it will now appeal to roughly 0.00000027% of the population.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Aliens In The Attic

Invokes the spirit of Critters and to a lesser extent Batteries Not Included.
Surprisingly it manages to land just about on the right side of average, largely due to a Tekken style fight scene where a chap clearly dilenated as a dick gets his ass handed to him by an elderly grandmother. In slow motion.

Friday, 14 May 2010


Sets up an entirely preposterous situation in which characters are forced to pile on illogic in spades in order to maintain any form of momentum.
As freakishly outlandish as the whole thing gets, though, it never quite scales the heights of outrageous incredulity attained by the size of Mena Suvari's forehead.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Hellish Flesh [Inferno Carnal]

A scientist discovers his wife is having an affair when she throws acid in his face and then sets him on fire. Forced to wear a mask to hide his disfigurement, he goes on to be preposterously nice to his traitorous wife until in a fit of guilt she throws acid into her own face. The scientist then reveals that actually he's ok, the wife is made to feel like a bit of a 'nana (albeit a horribly disfigured one) and the scientist runs off with a woman who's spent the entire film repeatedly having sex with a shadow.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Four Lions

Because of Chris Morris' fondness for flirting with dangerous topics and the resultant focus on them, it is easy to forget he is some sort of comedy genius.
So here, despite the background of radicalists and suicide bombers, we have a story told with an elegant sense of pathos but shot through with an adeptly judged streak of the absurd which melds seamlessly to make a film that is both intelligent and muscle crampingly funny.

A Nightmare On Elm Street [2010 Remake]

The people who made this obviously took the original and broke it into component jigsaw pieces in order to reassemble it, however upon completion of the outer edges they've realised that the concept of remaking Elm St is utterly redundant and so completed the puzzle by pooling runny shit into its centre.

Thursday, 6 May 2010


What begins as unease blossoms into a delightful structural conundrum that satisfies amply provided you don't examine too closely.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Furry Vengeance

90 minutes of animals looking pissed off. I was unable to ascertain whether this was due to their being made to waddle about in a manner that circus animals would find degrading, the fact they still managed to act Brendan Fraser off the screen yet he's the one who got paid or whether it was just because of an awareness that they were part of this fucking awful come stain on the crotch of cinema.

Iron Man 2

Hopelessly awesome comic book guff that's so glossy it might as well be laminated.
Promises and delivers again and again.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Ghost In The Shell 2.0

Contains a plot that is so convoluted and mired in philosophocial conjecture on what defines humanity that characters are required to precis it every 10 minutes, all set in a world so technologically advanced it renders human prescence meaningless anyway. Such complexity appears to be intended to dazzle, but just ends up suffocating the film and stripping it of any form of dynamic whatsoever.
This new 2.0 business looks fucking lush though.

Toy Story 2

Pixar continually demonstrate common sense. Here they show that when making a sequel don't concentrate on making it bigger and better, concentrate instead on telling a really good story, really well and all that bigger, better stuff will automatically follow in its wake.