Monday, 25 June 2018

Phantasm III: Lord Of The Dead

Ice cream man loses an adult that acts like a child but finds a child who acts like an adult, a woman who doesn't want to know and a friendly ball/dead brother. Then everybody gets involved in a massive zombie fight with a fuck-ton of killer spheres dangling about and The Tall Man intensely staring at things before it all collapses in an absolutely batshit lunatic ending. May well be my favourite so far.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Ocean's Eight

A film so forgettable I couldn't even remember to hunt out a little picture of the poster and stick it up here next to some pithy shit about how the title gives away the third act twist.

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Don't Torture A Duckling [Non si sevizia un paperino].

In which Fulci weaves a completely coherent narrative around his trademark madness, gore and bad taste making for an absolutely fantastic Giallo, and now I know he's capable of making such a good film it makes all his other shit I've sat through frustratingly worse.


All the right kinds of wrongness.

Friday, 15 June 2018

Grown Ups

Like any teenager, mine has done plenty any parent would disapprove of, but this time she's crossed the line with an ultimate act of teenage rebellion. Which wasn't forcing me to sit through this asinine heap of fucking awful, painfully unfunny shit, no, it was proudly telling me that this was the best movie she's ever seen. She's dead to me now.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Feature length adaptation of three lines of dialogue from another movie which at its best is redundant and at its worst is embarassing as it parades a barrage of pathetic cloying attempts to ingratiate itself with the larger saga.
The teenager shot it down with 'Non stop impossible to escape situations, none of which are actually impossible to escape because he can't die till Kylo Ren stabs him' demonstrating that my apples don't fall far from the tree.

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

A shining example of the worst crimes of modern cinema, those being distractingly inconsistent physics, laughably unecessary plot twists and placing most of the ending in the film's trailer.