Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Baby Driver

A heady cocktail of high octane automobile pursuit and carefully managed audio synchronisation segues into a stumbling clusterfuck of squabbling criminals and poorly thought out decision making. At least I liked the beginning, the teenager hated it all on the basis of unrealistic character motivation, to wit - "I wouldn't do all of that because of one ok date. There's plenty of other boys out there that don't shoot people".

Sunday, 18 June 2017

All The Colors Of The Dark [Tutti i colori del buio/ They're Coming To Get You!/ Day Of The Maniac/ Demons Of The Dead]

Giallo via Polanski as the ever watchable Edwige Fenech has a breakdown of the psyche and decides satanism is the best way to prevent visions of stabby killers everywhere she goes. King.

Saturday, 17 June 2017


I should rightly rip this to shreds but criticising Baywatch is a little bit like pointing out that primary school kids' artwork is shit.

The Mummy [2017 Effort]

In which the scriptwriters wrote a tedious, exposition heavy prologue and then cut and pasted it into every character's dialogue, the exception being Cruise's character who spends the first half constantly surprised that he's in the film and the second half going to every length to try and escape from it.

Thursday, 15 June 2017


After an unbroken run of excellent Giallos alongside an unbroken run of excellent supernatural horror movies Argento was clearly stuck as to which he should make next, so he tried to make both at the same time and succeeded in neither. And yet despite this it's still easily my second favourite movie featuring a homicidal simian. Yes, second favourite.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Wonder Woman [IMAX 3D]

A bland caper enlivened by a well written central character who gives precisely zero fucks for gender conventions, story conventions or the fact that she's presently single handedly propping up the slowly wilting DC cinematic universe.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge [Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]

The sort of good natured bollocks where a slumming actor steals every scene he's in (Bardem), where when a plot point is achieved groups of men stand around smiling at each other and where every character gets a sense of closure in case not enough people watch it to make another one. Except Sparrow who gets an origin story allowing Disney to start pinching off a series of younger version spinoffs instead.

Monday, 29 May 2017

Alien: Covenant

One of those films set in a future where we have technology so advanced we're able to create artificial life so smart it can break its own programming in order to take on autonomy, insanity, megalomania and the ability to grow hair, yet we still haven't mastered lights that stay on inside a spaceship when it has to land in a storm.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

A Cure For Wellness

Like a really big turd, long and shit.


A neat little idea about giant monsters that stumble over clumsy tonal shifts.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer [Q2 Fan Edit]

In preparation for series three I have rewatched the entirety of the first two and rounded it out with this. Some clever fella has carefully reassembled the missing pieces back into Fire Walk With Me to get as close as possible to Lynch's original vision, and what a vision it is as it rocks back and forth between goofy idiosyncracies and bleak, harrowing traumas. Nobody does incest and doughnuts quite like Lynch.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Monday, 1 May 2017

The Bogey Man [The Boogey Man]

A tangled confusion of children murdering adults, haunted mirrors, teenagers suffering random death by sharp implement, ghosts with telekinetic powers, priests exorcising evil and eerie houses with glowing windows. But no Bogey Man. Rubbish.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Eyes Of Laura Mars

A thriller that explicitly ties the Giallo boom to American slasher movies. The subjective POV shots of a black gloved killer and themes of high fashion demonstrate just how much Bava and Argento scriptwriter John Carpenter had clearly watched before he went off and created Halloween, whilst the idea of a killer replicating murders shown in violent art would be later lifted by Argento for his return to giallo, Tenebrae.
As interesting as all that is though, the film barely musters average, mainly due to young Tommy Lee Jones looking weird as fuck.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

The Belko Experiment

What could have been a witty riff on a familiar plot gets betrayed by mechanical direction that plunges everything into a seething mass of sudden brutal demise.