Sunday, 23 July 2017

Dunkirk [IMAX]

An orchestra of evocative WW2 imagery conducted by Nolan's typically tricksy grasp of time. The teenager gave it a positive monosyllable.

Friday, 21 July 2017

Hidden Figures

Great to see mathematics not only getting people safely back and forth from space but also giving both sexism and racism a good kicking. Disappointing to see mathematics reduced to muttering to yourself as you write lists of numbers and operations before carefully drawing a circle around the last thing you write.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Cannibal Holocaust [Ruggero Deodato's New Edit]

Not really a new edit at all, just some MS Paint fake film scratches layered over the more lingering shots of animal cruelty which does absolutely nothing to diminish the level of atrocity on offer.

War For The Planet Of The Apes

A satisfying climax, though Dawn had more war. But that's ok because this one's got more dawn.

It Comes At Night

Extinction level event horror stripped of the usual overt threat leaving grim, slowburn existential menace in its place. Superb.

Spider-Man: Homecoming [IMAX 3D]

Is not the best Spider-Man movie but is the best movie Spider-Man.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Baby Driver

A heady cocktail of high octane automobile pursuit and carefully managed audio synchronisation segues into a stumbling clusterfuck of squabbling criminals and poorly thought out decision making. At least I liked the beginning, the teenager hated it all on the basis of unrealistic character motivation, to wit - "I wouldn't do all of that because of one ok date. There's plenty of other boys out there that don't shoot people".

Sunday, 18 June 2017

All The Colors Of The Dark [Tutti i colori del buio/ They're Coming To Get You!/ Day Of The Maniac/ Demons Of The Dead]

Giallo via Polanski as the ever watchable Edwige Fenech has a breakdown of the psyche and decides satanism is the best way to prevent visions of stabby killers everywhere she goes. King.

Saturday, 17 June 2017


I should rightly rip this to shreds but criticising Baywatch is a little bit like pointing out that primary school kids' artwork is shit.

The Mummy [2017 Effort]

In which the scriptwriters wrote a tedious, exposition heavy prologue and then cut and pasted it into every character's dialogue, the exception being Cruise's character who spends the first half constantly surprised that he's in the film and the second half going to every length to try and escape from it.

Thursday, 15 June 2017


After an unbroken run of excellent Giallos alongside an unbroken run of excellent supernatural horror movies Argento was clearly stuck as to which he should make next, so he tried to make both at the same time and succeeded in neither. And yet despite this it's still easily my second favourite movie featuring a homicidal simian. Yes, second favourite.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Wonder Woman [IMAX 3D]

A bland caper enlivened by a well written central character who gives precisely zero fucks for gender conventions, story conventions or the fact that she's presently single handedly propping up the slowly wilting DC cinematic universe.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge [Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]

The sort of good natured bollocks where a slumming actor steals every scene he's in (Bardem), where when a plot point is achieved groups of men stand around smiling at each other and where every character gets a sense of closure in case not enough people watch it to make another one. Except Sparrow who gets an origin story allowing Disney to start pinching off a series of younger version spinoffs instead.

Monday, 29 May 2017

Alien: Covenant

One of those films set in a future where we have technology so advanced we're able to create artificial life so smart it can break its own programming in order to take on autonomy, insanity, megalomania and the ability to grow hair, yet we still haven't mastered lights that stay on inside a spaceship when it has to land in a storm.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

A Cure For Wellness

Like a really big turd, long and shit.