Friday, 15 June 2018

Grown Ups

Like any teenager, mine has done plenty any parent would disapprove of, but this time she's crossed the line with an ultimate act of teenage rebellion. Which wasn't forcing me to sit through this asinine heap of fucking awful, painfully unfunny shit, no, it was proudly telling me that this was the best movie she's ever seen. She's dead to me now.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Feature length adaptation of three lines of dialogue from another movie which at its best is redundant and at its worst is embarassing as it parades a barrage of pathetic cloying attempts to ingratiate itself with the larger saga.
The teenager shot it down with 'Non stop impossible to escape situations, none of which are actually impossible to escape because he can't die till Kylo Ren stabs him' demonstrating that my apples don't fall far from the tree.

Saturday, 9 June 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

A shining example of the worst crimes of modern cinema, those being distractingly inconsistent physics, laughably unecessary plot twists and placing most of the ending in the film's trailer.

Sunday, 27 May 2018

Deadpool 2

Whereas the first film was a superhero movie starring Deadpool, this one is a superhero movie made by Deadpool and consequently a far less successful endeavour.

Thursday, 24 May 2018

The Bloodstained Butterfly [Una farfalla con le ali insanguinate]

Less a full blown, sleaze n stabbings Giallo and more like a long episode of Italian Tales Of The Unexpected.

Monday, 21 May 2018

Phantasm II

Immediately changes gear from the meandering dream states of the first film into straight up pursuit of a bad guy allowing for more crazed dwarves, more blood spraying spheres and a chainsaw fight. King.

Sunday, 13 May 2018

The Chaser [Chugyeogja]

Korean Fincher.

Monday, 30 April 2018


An able demonstration that no amount of tightly choreographed fight sequences can make a film good on their own.

Sunday, 29 April 2018

Avengers: Infinity War [IMAX 3D]

Successfully staves off superhero fatigue by introducing misery, failure and loss into the lives of its indestructible protagonists, the harbinger of these being Thanos who successfully staves off Marvel's shit villain issue by being unrelentingly insane, complex and badass.
The teenager refused to comment insisting that until she watches next year's follow up, she's only seen half a movie.

Friday, 13 April 2018

A Quiet Place

An exercise in ratcheting up muscle cramping levels of tension that succeeds magnificently, followed by two hours of the teenager suggesting better solutions to everything that happened that would make everybody in the film a lot more safe and the film a lot less exciting.

Thursday, 12 April 2018


Suffers from a level of rank stupidity that should be insulting but in the capable hands of The Rock, who has polished far worse turds, ends up being thoroughly enjoyable.

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Shin Godzilla [Shin Gojira]

Ropey monster FX shots alternated with lengthy discussions conducted by people in rooms about either what just happened in the last ropey FX shot or what is going to happen in the next one. Sometimes as a special treat, it's both.

Monday, 9 April 2018

The Seven Minutes

Meyer's serious movie with a spritely first hour setup for some edgy courtroom drama, that kinda made me wish he'd made more serious movies. Followed by a laborious hour of stilted, overacted dull as fuck courtroom drama that kinda made me glad he didn't.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls

There's very few auteurs in cinema as talented and yet under-rated as Russ Meyer, and this gaudy, hyper-edited explosion of tits, drugs and outlandish insanity is his masterwork. One of my all time favourite movies, every time I watch that ending it strikes me that there really is absolutely nothing else like this out there. Utterly King.

Monday, 2 April 2018


Unhinged giallo attempt with very little killing and a twist that bravely attempts to explain why this should be, along with why the story was hopelessly incoherent and why everybody's acting veers all over the shop.