Wednesday, 10 April 2019

Pet Sematary


King's most nihilistic novel tamed, given a modern horror polish and turned into a spooky jump scare movie.

Sunday, 7 April 2019

The Sister Of Ursula [La sorella di Ursula]


A silhouette with staring green eyes interupts a number of women, usually involved in some sort of softcore sex action, and murders them with a crude wooden dildo. Whilst this is going on the only other character with green eyes spends the entire movie telling people what the killer is going to do and everybody assumes this is because the character in question is pyschic rather than a murderer who's crap at keeping shit to themself. Awful.

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Police Story [Ging chaat goo si]


A dazzling compendium of outrageous stuntwork, outrageous fight choreography and an outrageous number of people being thrown through every conceivable breakable object.

Friday, 5 April 2019

The Burning


A sleazy Friday The 13th clone with a leering, ogling approach to its female characters made all the more insidious by subplots that try to normalise sexually aggressive behaviour and dismiss sex pest behaviour as harmless, which in turn is given an even darker edge by an opening credit that states this was all created by Harvey Weinstein.
All of which is overshadowed by having to watch George from Seinfeld in his early twenties playing a teenager. With hair.

Monday, 1 April 2019

The House By The Cemetry [Quella villa accanto al cimitero]


Fulci's innate inability to handle story, subtlety or logic actually works in his favour as every character behaves unusually creating weird atmospheres that then frequently explode into an excess of gory stabbing. King.

Wednesday, 27 March 2019

Shazam!


About a young boy given the ability to become a superpowered adult by simply uttering a word. Would have worked better if somebody had told both child and adult actor that they were meant to be playing the same person.

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

The Toolbox Murders


Fairly ropey late seventies slasher that was briefly banned by the BBFC because a lady has a wank in the bath.

Sunday, 24 March 2019

Us


Really enjoyed this but couldn't decide if it was truly brilliant. So I thought about it a lot, then I discussed it at length, then I thought about it a whole lot more. Then I realised that I can't remember the last time a horror movie made me think about it this much. Truly brilliant.

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Instant Family


Was forced to see this by the teenager who insisted it would somehow be good, despite every protestation I could muster. Ended up with a film considerably better than any of my low expectations and an irritatingly smug teenager who persistently crowed about how much I laughed at it. Which was all of twice.

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

If Beale Street Could Talk


A fondness for lingering shots that expertly express base emotion makes for a film that feels very long but is no worse off for it.

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Captain Marvel [IMAX 3D]


Marvel flip their origin story script so instead of a human being coming to terms with being superpowered we have a superpowered being coming to terms with being human.
The teenager said she liked it because there was a lot of cool stuff going on, but she also didn't like it because at no point did she get goosebumps.

Monday, 11 March 2019

The Call


Spectacularly awful thriller that focuses more on workplace anxieties than the poor teenage girl being abducted at length, with an ending whose sole purpose appears to be to prove that when you thought things could not get any shitter they absolutely can.

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Green Book


An awkward mash up of a role reversed Driving Miss Daisy and a role reversed Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Well meaning but ultimately a little bit offensive.

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Fighting With My Family


Billed as an 'incredible' true story, though all that really happens is somebody who is very good at wrestling tries out at an audition, succeeds and goes on to a career in wrestling because they're very good at wrestling. Hardly incredible is it.

Friday, 22 February 2019

The Amazing Mr. No Legs


Everybody tries their best with what is essentially an extremely cheap excuse to set-up a fight between a man with no legs and a very basic Bruce Lee lookalike that clearly runs out of script an hour in and devolves into just a bunch of cars crashing into each other for the remainder of the movie.