Tuesday, 30 August 2016
Monday, 29 August 2016
(Frightfest Day 5)
Fantastic nest of contradiction. It has moments that are as funny as they are unsettling, the film looks as polished as it often looks amateur, it rips the piss at the same time as it expresses undying love for the movies and most impressively it fucks wholesale with form as it presents itself as a DVD extra at the same time as being the main feature.
Sunday, 28 August 2016
(Frightfest Day 4)
Starts with a title card explaining that this is a fictionalised version of a documentary about a perceived curse. This coupled with its serious tone gives it the feel of a Channel 5 true story. Then when the curse kicks off and the seriousness gets juxtaposed with the usual stylised genre trappings (fast edits, loud noise, bleeding faces etc.) it just ends up feeling a little bit tasteless.
(Frightfest Day 3)
It's not out of the ordinary to expect a remake to be inferior to the original but when the original is Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood Feast then it's going to take considerable effort to muster something worse. So congratulations to all involved in this disaster for their truly exceptional effort.
Saturday, 27 August 2016
(Frightfest Day 3)
Managed to tick every box on my lengthy list of expectations for this movie. That list being 1) Sadako 2) Kayako 3) Toshio 4) An old house 5) A videotape 6) A well 7) Toshio making cat noises 8) Teenagers dying with a silly look on their face 8) Kayako making her throat click 9) People daring other people to go into that weird old house 10) Black hair emerging from unexpected places 11) Sadako doing her funny shoulders walk 12) The phone call 13) The bath tub 14) The eye 15) Kayako crawling down stairs 16) Sadako coming out of a TV 17) A fucking ridiculous showdown.
Friday, 26 August 2016
(Frightfest Day 2)
Italian cinema trying to emulate other countries successful genres isn't anything new, this time they have a go at the superhero movie.
What is new is director Mainetti recognising the budgetary/resource limitations of his home country so that instead of making a pale replication he retools the superhero tale with lashings of social realism to create his own unique version. And it's fucking great.
(Frightfest Day 2)
Credible kidnapping effort that devolves into people walking around corridors as weird things suddenly happen accompanied by jags of sharp noise. Didn't make for the best ending but to be fair my nerves are now shot to shit, which I guess was the point.
Thursday, 25 August 2016
Sunday, 21 August 2016
A film about a creature that sits under the titular sand waiting for people to step on it and get devoured in clumsy sprays of bad CGI. Until the end that is when the creature suddenly develops ten foot tentacles capable of plucking people off high surfaces, of course had this ability been revealed in the beginning then the film would have barely lasted five minutes and clearly nobody involved in making this shit was willing to do me that favour.
Friday, 19 August 2016
Monday, 15 August 2016
A bonanza of unecessary, gratuitous slow motion that if played back at normal speed would give you a film roughly twenty minutes long that could be neatly summed up in four sentences; Blake Lively goes surfing. Blake Lively meets a shark. Blake Lively sits on a rock whilst the scriptwriter throws darts at a list of random plot points he hopes will liven up proceedings. Blake Lively defeats shark in a manner which can only be described as obscenely stupid.
Sunday, 14 August 2016
Things this film taught me; white people are dicks because they enslaved the tribesmen of the Congo, the tribesmen are dicks because they killed Tarzan's adoptive gorilla mother, gorillas are dicks because they insist on awkward social rituals mostly involving unfriendly growling and over enthusiastic back patting. Tarzan is a dick because he killed the son of the tribesmen's chief, Christoph Waltz is a dick because he's gonna give Tarzan to the tribesmen so they can kill him back and Samuel L. Jackson is a dick because he freely thinks that everybody else is a dick. The editor is a dick because he petulantly refuses to let you know what's going on at any given moment, the director is a dick because he supervised this inexcusable shit into the world and, according to my mother, I'm a dick for not liking this flaccid bollocks because the landscapes were 'breathtaking'.
Friday, 5 August 2016
An extended series of skits offering every one of an extremely bloated cast list the opportunity to have their moment, even if some choose to just shrug and look around bewildered instead, all of which hangs together loosely as a movie at the start and by the end doesn't.
Wednesday, 3 August 2016
A solid 50 % of the movie consists of Matt Damon hurriedly walking somewhere, 20% is Matt Damon talking to someone whilst they both hurriedly walk somewhere, 10% is people looking at each other nervously whilst they watch computer screens showing fucking Matt Damon hurriedly walking somewhere. The remaining time is taken up with the usual fighting and chasing reduced to incomprehensible blurring and an incongruous 5 minutes where Matt Damon stands still and looks at a computer.