Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Disorder [Maryland]

A clever, refreshing inversion of cinema's usual protrayal of the relationship between a bodyguard and their vulnerable, attractive charge.

Goodnight Mommy [Ich Seh Ich Seh]

Plays all its plot cards very close to its chest in order to create the necessary uneasy ambiguity required for the film to work. Unfortunately the need for ambiguity inadvertently spells out the films final act for you, not that it makes it any less distressing to watch.

Monday, 28 March 2016

Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice [IMAX 3D]

A hot mess and as hot messes go they don't get much hotter than this. Or much messier.

Monday, 21 March 2016

10 Cloverfield Lane

Tries its very best to be two films at the same time but ends up being a fulfilling version of neither.

Kung Fu Panda 3 [IMAX 3D]

Episode 3 in Dreamworks' talking animal/Kung Fu hybrid that's big in China. If you like the first two, it's more of the same! Awesome!
If you didn't like the first two, it's more of the same. Stay well away.

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Zootropolis [Zootopia]

I couldn't decide whether this was an allegory for sexism, racism, sectarianism or the pervasion of mutants throughout society.
I did know that I was pleased with the overall moral message, which was 'Fuck following your dreams, how about you just try and understand each other, get along and have a good time instead'.
The teenager meanwhile, after such a long period of cold turkey, had a complete talking animal relapse and I may now have to send her off to some sort of rehab to purge before that fucking awful Robinson Crusoe movie comes out.

Monday, 14 March 2016


The most crushingly accurate depiction of just how awkward most human interaction is, only with no humans. Instead everything's played out by unnervingly realistic stop-motion puppetry TO FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

The Witch [The VVitch: A New England Folktale]

A prequel to Lars Von Tiers Antichrist, set 400 years earlier.
I now eagerly await the conclusion to the trilogy set 400 years from now where 'Nature as Satan's church' is launched into space to be tended by His minions. Sort of like Silent Running with extra Devil worship.

Insidious: Chapter 3

A prequel that sets up minor characters for the first movie and doesn't advance the story in any way making for a poor and unecessary chapter 3. The irony being that with the family theme dialled right back to make space for plenty of good old psychics vs demons jump-scares, it's probaby the best Insidious movie.

Friday, 11 March 2016

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

Teenage version of Lost forced into an arranged marriage with 28 Days Later.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Hail, Caesar!

As lightweight, frothy and throwaway as it is thoughtful, insightful and deeply profound. Typically Coen then.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

I tre volti della paura [The Three Faces Of Fear/Black Sabbath]

Terror expertly sculpted out of garish, primary coloured light.