Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Fighting With My Family

Billed as an 'incredible' true story, though all that really happens is somebody who is very good at wrestling tries out at an audition, succeeds and goes on to a career in wrestling because they're very good at wrestling. Hardly incredible is it.

Friday, 22 February 2019

The Amazing Mr. No Legs

Everybody tries their best with what is essentially an extremely cheap excuse to set-up a fight between a man with no legs and a very basic Bruce Lee lookalike that clearly runs out of script an hour in and devolves into just a bunch of cars crashing into each other for the remainder of the movie.

White Of The Eye

An American Giallo destroyed by the dual efforts of Cathy Moriarty's dead eyed delivery vacuuming all emotion from the movie and David Keith wildly overacting in a doomed attempt to compensate.

Putney Swope

Often hilarious, although the gaps between the funny bits began to get longer and longer as the film went on.

Thursday, 21 February 2019

The Trip

Undoubtedly a fascinating and eye opening experience for all involved in it, but to an outside observer it's occasionally amusing and a little bit tedious and overlong. Just like any good trip should be.

2019: After The Fall Of New York [2019 – Dopo la caduta di New York]

A wealth of cinematic post-apocalyptic dystopia cynically boiled down to the bare minimum of car chases in deserts, people in leather staring into the middle distance and a man dressed as a giant talking ape.
Fucking shite.

Special Mission Lady Chaplin [Missione speciale Lady Chaplin]

A fairly decent attempt at a Bond style caper. Though the most notable bit was a man running very slowly up a very steep hill, so make of that what you will.


Always thought Shaft was some kind of badass. Watched this and found out he's just a bit of a dick.

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

Thriller: A Cruel Picture [They Call Her One Eye/ Hooker's Revenge]

High on style, slow motion and cathartic violence, low on sense, logic or any nod to realism whatsoever. The most talked about movie of Joefest, mainly due to somebody putting a finger in somebody elses bum.

Hour Of The Wolf [Vargtimmen]

A painter’s artistic madness and personal demons are made literal against the stark foreboding backdrop of a barren Swedish isle. Should have been bored, was instead hopelessly enthralled. Except for the bits I slept through.

Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre [Harpoon]

Iceland's first horror movie.
Serves as advice for other countries considering making their first horror movie, that advice being make sure you can actually make a fucking movie before you attempt a horror movie or you're gonna end up with a bunch of wank.

The Man Who Thought Life [Manden der tænkte ting]

An elegantly told doppelganger tale with a pleasing sting in its tail. Far better than I really expected from 60s Danish cinema.

Tuesday, 19 February 2019

Chopping Mall

A fairly regular 80s teen party interruption massacre.

Demon Seed

In which a rampant AI and his polyhedral dildo coerce Julie Christie in to having a baby simply by being able to lock doors and turn the cooker on. We give computers too much power these days.

Death Machine

Stands on its impressive robot puppetry. Unfortunately the use of puppetry means what should be an imposing threat always looks like it's got its huge ass stuck in a hole. Falls on everything else.

Saturn 3

In which a young Farrah Fawcett and an old Kirk Douglas vary through the full spectrum of states of undress meaning each scene is either a combination of excitement and repulsion or disappointment and relief.

The Cat [Lao Mao]

A novelist helps a 1000 year old alien defend earth against some angry tentacles. The downside here is the 1000 year old alien is played by a cat and thus couldn't possibly give any less of a shit about anything that is happening, whilst everybody just grins at it trying to convince you it does. The upside is the cat suplexes a dog, so King. As. Fuck.

Monday, 18 February 2019

Rampant [Chang-gwol]

If the fucking awful, dodgy, knock off subtitling is the most notable thing about a movie, something's gone wrong.
Also had a similar running into a room, hitting stuff and then lots of jumping vibe previously seen in Turkish Star Wars.

Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam [The Man Who Saves The World/ Turkish Star Wars]

A load of bootleg Star Wars clips with a voiceover that confusingly swaps good guy ships for bad guys and vice versa followed by a bunch of propaganda about how great Turkish men are and how they're particularly good at running into rooms full of people then alternating between kicking them and hitting them with both fists at the same time. And then lots of jumping. Often slowly.

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Escape Room

The teenager insisted on watching this. Ended up pleasantly surprised because I was expecting shit, but got slightly above average instead. The teenager got smug because it wasn't shit.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

Whereas the first one was a clever subversion of kids movies, this was a subversion of the first movie which cancels out the subversions leaving just a really good kids movie.
The teeanger said it was better than the first one simply because they went to more places.

Sunday, 10 February 2019


Induces nausea from the off and then shoves you through a barrage of bleak atrocity. Brilliant, though I'd struggle to call it enjoyable.

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

Alita: Battle Angel [3D]

Whilst no event in the movie will really surprise you, where they're placed probably will as absolutely zero concession is given to coherent story telling.
The teenager loathed it.