Monday, 30 August 2010


(Frightfest Day 3)
This should have been 'A Serbian Film' but some finger wagging moron in a suit stopped that from happening.
So instead we got this.
It takes an audacious verve to try and set an entire film in one location. It takes balls of cast iron to make that location a rudimentary coffin underground with a cast of one. And it takes pure talent to make it into an efficient thriller that holds you for every minute of its running time. So it was quite fortunate to discover that the people involved in making this appear to have more than a touch of all three.

We Are What We Are [Somos lo que hay]

(Frightfest Day 3)
A slow examination of the hysterical fallout a family suffers on their relationships when the father passes away, pushed into excellence by concurrently examining the impact this event has on the family's cannibalistic blood rituals.


(Frightfest Day 2)
Not the crazy FX laden madness I was expecting, more a magnificently understated road movie built around the fragile relationship that forms between the two leads.
Furthermore when the creatures do make their fleeting appearances it's like a Lovecraft rendition of Jurassic Park that effortlessly assuages any disappointment that may have formed.

I Spit On Your Grave [2010 Remake]

(Frightfest Day 2)
A two part affair, the first being a meditation on the harrowing nature of gang rape at the hands of drooling rednecks. The second, a study in how well-planned steely vindication can make the sight of a man getting his own cock stuffed in his mouth elicit a rousing cheer from an audience.


(Frightfest Day 1)
A fumbled, confused pile of bollocks that thinks it's being clever when clearly it isn't. Probably the best example of F's stumbling stupidity is, given our modern age, its search-engine proof title. Idiots.

Friday, 27 August 2010

The Expendables

Turgid dialogue, that allows aged men to liberally piss testosterone over each other, links impressive explosions to form a story that resembles a mangled abortion shat out of the bloated corpse of the eighties with an excellent all-out scrap at the end.

Thursday, 26 August 2010


Particularly sombre study of a week in the life of a drug dealer, detailing the almost instant disintegration of his world brought on by a single botched deal.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Piranha 3D

Shallow exploitation homage that ticks the boxes labelled 'boobs', 'phenomenal amounts of absurd death' and 'all the above in 3D'.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Junk [Junk: Shiryô-gari]

In which the Yakuza doublecross a gang of jewel thieves in some random factory haunted by a lumbering horde of the living dead, the majority of which get shot in the face so the backs of their heads go off like a garden sprinkler hooked up to a massive vat of jam.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Flushed Away

Funny. Primarily due to a posse of evil french frogs and a couple of extended 'Ow! My Balls!' sequences.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Cats & Dogs : The Revenge Of Kitty Galore [3D]

There's just not enough space here to describe everything that is wrong with this film. In fact I could probably dedicate a whole second blog solely to describing why this film is so fucking bollocks and I would still run out of space.
Charlotte thought it was awesome, sometimes she is so full of shit.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Dawn Of The Dead

Compulsively watchable zombie classic.
Shows just how far Romero has fallen; a very, very long way.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Let The Right One In [Låt den rätte komma in]

The original book already has a phenomenal story in place and Tomas Alfredson communicates it to the screen with breathtaking finesse.
How anyone could think that such a downright superb film requires remaking is beyond me.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

The Last Airbender [3D]

Completely tedious bollocks.
The only impressive thing about this is Shyamalan's brazen willingness to display his total incompetence.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Knight And Day

Would appear to do for date-rape what Mr & Mrs Smith did for marriage.

Friday, 6 August 2010

Inception [IMAX]

Just like 'Inception' only bigger.
Does IMAX make this better?
No. It makes it bigger, read carefully.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Stalker [Сталкер]

An all time favourite that glows a little brighter with every new viewing.
Casually demonstrates the beauty that can be locked in stillness and the resplendence to be found in decay all of which is thrown onto the screen with a staggering level of restraint.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

The A-Team

I set out to hate but by the end it had won me round, damn it.
But then at the end of the day, if you cup your hands expecting diarrhoea then a solid turd is always going to be a pleasant surprise.

Toy Story 3 [IMAX 3D]

An exceptional slice of cinema that excels in every way.
"But it's a kids movie", yes and it excels at it. I was immediately informed that this has 'smashed' into Charlotte's 'Top 3'.
"But it's an animation", yes and it excels at it. In the start sequence alone there are two explosions (one involving a shitload of simians) that are simply orgasms for the eyeball.
"Ah, but is it really cinema?", yes. And it excels at it. To give an example there is an incinerator moment toward the end of the film which moved me more than a shocking majority of grown-up cinema. I forgot I was watching toys.