Wednesday, 26 April 2017

The Belko Experiment

What could have been a witty riff on a familiar plot gets betrayed by mechanical direction that plunges everything into a seething mass of sudden brutal demise.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

The Incident [El incidente]

An excellent head mash that avoids choking on all the over abundant exposition by just how far out its central concept eventually becomes.

The Handmaiden [Ah-ga-ssi]

For fans of sumptous visual artistry, Roald Dahl's adult fiction and scissoring.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

The Fate Of The Furious [IMAX]

Eighth installment, this time directed by someone who clearly knows where to place a camera when they want to crash a few cars.
Diesel maintains his incredibly serious expression for the majority of the running time mostly as a method for holding all that air in but also because he's secretly upset that The Rock is now steering his affections towards Jason Statham instead.
There is a bit when Diesel smiles presumably because he's imagining that if they were to try and all kiss each other at the same time then from the top they'd look like a creature with three buttocks clenching it's ass muscles. Diesel likes this mostly because it's silly but also because it includes kissing, buttocks and clenching muscles which are his three favourite things.

Dellamorte Dellamore [Cemetery Man]

A certainly unique but ultimately very mopey meditation on death, love and abrupt episodic plotting that proudly wears a multitude of influences joining the dots that run through Raimi, Jackson, Jeunet, Gilliam and Hitchcock.

The Sect [La setta/The Devil's Daughter]

A curious tumble of Italianate logic and bizarre outbreaks of random terror that all conspire to make the birth of the antichrist come off as a bit of harmless stupidity. I quite liked it.

The Church [La Chiesa]

Would appear to actually be two films, the first hour is a woodenly acted relationship between a librarian and art restorer who between them uncover clues that begin to reveal hidden atrocity committed in the name of organised religion. The film then visibly becomes Demons 3 instead as the church doors close and everybody, including a wealth of bonus characters who've just rocked up, goes instantly insane except for the cool priest who must try to find the one place in the church which when activated will cause it to collapse.
Neither film really supports the other, the first hour being a staid introduction to the carnage that follows and the last part rendering all the carefully laid plot irrelevant as everybody goes insane and does whatever the fuck they want.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Raw [Grave]

Coming of age stories like this are usually told through vampirism so I did find it refreshing to watch cannibalism exploited as allegory instead. It was also refreshing to see a more subtle take on cannibalism, less chewing on intestinal rope and something more akin to the blood lust of vampire movies in its place. This balance is what made Raw excellent. That and the ending.

The Wailing [Goksung]

A beautifully told encounter with evil that deftly flits between light hearted zany and the brutally horrific, I've not felt so successfully out-manouvered by a movie in some time now.

Ouija: The Origin Of Evil

Gently builds into something that almost stands apart from the usual before descending into random death, random surprise basements and random facial surgery.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Mulholland Dr.

A master at work.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Ghost In The Shell [2017 Remake] [IMAX 3D]

Reduces the philosophical complexity of the original to an oversimplified 'who am I really?' plot whilst amplifying the visual astonishment of the original to a retina shredding glory, which is all welcome from where I'm sitting.
A quick perusal at the level of internet twattery that has sprang up around this and the fact that it's acting like sand under the foreskin for a bunch of cretinous cunts makes me like it even more.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice Ultimate Edition

Contains an extra half hour that reveals the Superman movie that Warners felt fit to remove to make way for a half baked Justice League prequel instead. Also a timely reminder that Zack Snyder can make any old shit look really fucking good. Except for that bit where Batman clings to the corner of a room like a cobweb desperately trying to pretend it doesn't have a dick, nobody can make that look good.


Cartoon about the difficulties of growing up alongside a blooming maniacal oppression.

Get Out

Accelerates the well meaning but ultimately deeply insulting backhanded compliments of white middle class liberalism from awkward to darkly sinister at a thrillingly breakneck pace.

Personal Shopper

This had enough of a mix of murder mystery, the supernatural and high fashion to put me in mind of Giallo movies which in turn made me aware that it appeared to be lacking in sleaze, black gloved killers and any sense of fun.
The teenager flatly stated that it was boring and that she liked it, demonstrating just how easy she is to read these days.

Thursday, 16 March 2017


A masterclass in cinematic understatement where every glance, camera shot and line of dialogue is loaded with such emotional complexity you can't help but let the film wrap itself around you and engulf your every thought. Superb.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Kong: Skull Island [IMAX 3D]

I was looking forward to watching a big monkey punch helicopters out of the sky but I didn't realise that to get there I'd have to struggle through an over abundant and over qualified cast desperately trying to make themselves relevant to a script that clearly didn't give two fucks who was saying the words. Throw in cinematography that constantly squealed 'Look I'm Apocalypse Now' despite being nothing of the sort, editing that would feel proud to be called inept and a director exhibiting a startling inability to control anything and I now realise I should have just stared at that poster for two hours instead, it would've been a lot more fun.

Thursday, 9 March 2017


Blackly comic killing spree that delights in highlighting some of the weirder interactions ladies have to put up with when pregnant. Also delights in showing gaping neck wounds, so win-win.

Logan [IMAX]

Certainly the best Wolverine movie, probably the best X-Men movie and possibly the best Marvel movie so far.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

The Love Witch

Lavish technicolour extravagance that goes on a bit.

Under The Sun

Tantalising glimpses behind North Korea's propagandist veil constantly remind you that no matter how fascinating this documentary undoubtedly is there's a much bigger, far more fascinating story that they're desperate, but completely unable, to tell.

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Men Behind The Sun [Hei tai yang 731/Squadron 731]

If nothing else this demonstrates that despite having got to a point in my life where I've seen a lot of films, there are still films out there that can offer up new sights unseen by my eyes. Not sure that this is a good thing anymore but wow, I certainly saw some things. Thanks Joefest.

Elite Squad [Tropa de Elite]

Unrelentingly grim look at policing Brazilian slums, apparently not an easy job and one that involves a lot of grimness combined with a distinct lack of relenting.

The Killer Is Still Among Us [L'assassino e ancora tra nol]

At the end a title card appears proclaiming that this film was made 'with the hope that it will be of use to law enforcement to bring these ferocious killers to justice.' Not sure how a badly made, piss dull attempt of a thriller is gonna be useful to anybody but at least the thought was there.


Excellent tale examining familial complexities that can occur due to an over indulgence in brutal rape and torture at times of war.

Friday, 24 February 2017

The Marsupials: The Howling III

Utter fucking abombination. Can't remember the last time I shouted 'JUST FUCKING END' at the screen, it was the pan pipes that did it.

Turkey Shoot [Slaughter Game/Blood Camp Thatcher]

Kept drifting off. However being the third Trenchard-Smith of the week meant I was prepared for the inevitable extended chase sequences and could catch a quick doze as everybody was running about then wake up for the important stuff like a chap getting his hands cut off. Lost some of the finer plot details.

Dead End Drive-In

A teenager gets trapped by bureaucracy in a place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes and works to escape. Which he does, but to a larger place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes thus coming to the uncomfortable realisation that everywhere is just full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes.

Long Weekend

Goes for a lot more eerie weirdness than I was expecting such as the ever encroaching dead sea cow, but literally runs out of ideas as a chap endlessly pelts about a forest searching for a surprise ending long after the film should have ended.


Frequently ridiculous caper set in an alternate 2017 where prisons are high-tech constructs manned by emotionally needy cyborgs who intestinate everybody at the drop of a hat. Loved it obviously.

Down By Law

Sits in the same hypnagogic liminal space as all Jarmusch movies, so I'm not sure how much I watched and how much I dreamt.

Thursday, 23 February 2017

The Beast In Heat [La bestia en calore/SS Hell Camp/Horrifying Experiments Of The SS Last Days]

A barrage of bad taste lesbian nazis and action footage from other people's films topped with lashings of guffaw inducing dialogue.

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Ghosts... Of The Civil Dead

A larger story told in hints and moments, saved from being a bit too boring by a brilliant Nick Cave.


An attempt to be funny about camp 80s action movies that gets lost in a blur of shit posing and shitter background effects. Not helped by the fact that we had watched Kung Fury first which does the same job to a much better effect in a shorter time.

Who Killed Captain Alex?

Not really a film but a massively enjoyable experience all the same. This movie is on!

Blazing Magnum [Una magnum Special per Tony Saitta/Special Magnum/Tough Tony Saitta/Shadows In An Empty Room]

An average Giallo thriller pepped up with ludicrous action sequences unavoidably triggered every time the main cop tries to ask somebody a simple question. The best of these is a toss up between a very lengthy car chase across a wide variety of terrains or the bit where the cop gets kicked through a window by a transvestite. A tough call.

The Man From Hong Kong [The Dragon Flies]

A secret spy visits Australia from Hong Kong gets into violent fights, has insane car chases and partakes in a touch of hang gliding. King.

Tuesday, 21 February 2017


A blaxploitation take on The Exorcist. i.e. a blatant rip off soundtracked by loose funk that ends with an exorcism beneath a disco ball.


Fight Club vs Martyrs.

Wild Beasts [Belve Feroci]

The loosest interpretation I've ever seen of the phrase 'no animals were harmed in the making of this picture', frequent moments of sleaze and gore that veer into reprehensible and an elephant stamping on a girls head, popping it like a grape. Bad taste, eye popping atrocity and total madness, welcome to Joefest.

To Live And Die In L.A.

A cop who wears giant cuban heels, necessitating a great deal of balls forward posturing presenting an easy target for any nearby bad guy, meets an unexpected ending that ironically could have been avoided if he hadn't been wearing those heels.
More unexpected though was a young Willem Dafoe looking less realistic than the CGI Downey Jr in Civil War.

Friday, 17 February 2017

The LEGO Batman Movie

ADHD riddled little brother of The Lego movie.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017


Insane idea stolen from Aqua Teen Hunger Force devolves in to run of the mill carnage.

Saturday, 4 February 2017

T2 Trainspotting

A superb sequel that avoids trading on memory and cheap nostalgia whilst trying to present itself as something new by cleverly being about memory and cheap nostalgia whilst showing that nothing ever really changes that much.

Friday, 3 February 2017

Hacksaw Ridge

Plagued with heavy handed direction that renders everything meaningless, further undermined by the fact that the two minutes of interview footage at the end is better than the rest of the film.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Hunt For The Wilderpeople

Quirky, heartwarming, really fucking good.

Manchester By The Sea

An excellent film gets put in the shade by an absolutely blinding central performance from Casey Affleck.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Rabid Dogs [Cani Arrabbiati]

Made me a little bit sad to see Bava reduced to a few props, a car, some actors and a camera but also amazed at what he manages to milk from such meagre resources, making his unfinished movie better than a good proportion of the finished ones.

Saturday, 21 January 2017


Has an amazing final thirty seconds, I just can't decide whether Shyamalan placed that final thirty seconds there to mask the fact that the preceding two hours were shit or whether it was there to justify why the preceding two hours were shit.
Despite the shit film though, that ending is definitely amazing. Unless, like the teenager, you weren't alive in the year 2000, then you're just left very confused as to why the shit film you just watched doesn't actually have a proper end.