Wednesday, 26 April 2017
Sunday, 23 April 2017
Sunday, 16 April 2017
Eighth installment, this time directed by someone who clearly knows where to place a camera when they want to crash a few cars.
Diesel maintains his incredibly serious expression for the majority of the running time mostly as a method for holding all that air in but also because he's secretly upset that The Rock is now steering his affections towards Jason Statham instead.
There is a bit when Diesel smiles presumably because he's imagining that if they were to try and all kiss each other at the same time then from the top they'd look like a creature with three buttocks clenching it's ass muscles. Diesel likes this mostly because it's silly but also because it includes kissing, buttocks and clenching muscles which are his three favourite things.
Would appear to actually be two films, the first hour is a woodenly acted relationship between a librarian and art restorer who between them uncover clues that begin to reveal hidden atrocity committed in the name of organised religion. The film then visibly becomes Demons 3 instead as the church doors close and everybody, including a wealth of bonus characters who've just rocked up, goes instantly insane except for the cool priest who must try to find the one place in the church which when activated will cause it to collapse.
Neither film really supports the other, the first hour being a staid introduction to the carnage that follows and the last part rendering all the carefully laid plot irrelevant as everybody goes insane and does whatever the fuck they want.
Thursday, 13 April 2017
Coming of age stories like this are usually told through vampirism so I did find it refreshing to watch cannibalism exploited as allegory instead. It was also refreshing to see a more subtle take on cannibalism, less chewing on intestinal rope and something more akin to the blood lust of vampire movies in its place. This balance is what made Raw excellent. That and the ending.
Sunday, 2 April 2017
Reduces the philosophical complexity of the original to an oversimplified 'who am I really?' plot whilst amplifying the visual astonishment of the original to a retina shredding glory, which is all welcome from where I'm sitting.
A quick perusal at the level of internet twattery that has sprang up around this and the fact that it's acting like sand under the foreskin for a bunch of cretinous cunts makes me like it even more.
Tuesday, 28 March 2017
Contains an extra half hour that reveals the Superman movie that Warners felt fit to remove to make way for a half baked Justice League prequel instead. Also a timely reminder that Zack Snyder can make any old shit look really fucking good. Except for that bit where Batman clings to the corner of a room like a cobweb desperately trying to pretend it doesn't have a dick, nobody can make that look good.
This had enough of a mix of murder mystery, the supernatural and high fashion to put me in mind of Giallo movies which in turn made me aware that it appeared to be lacking in sleaze, black gloved killers and any sense of fun.
The teenager flatly stated that it was boring and that she liked it, demonstrating just how easy she is to read these days.
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Monday, 13 March 2017
I was looking forward to watching a big monkey punch helicopters out of the sky but I didn't realise that to get there I'd have to struggle through an over abundant and over qualified cast desperately trying to make themselves relevant to a script that clearly didn't give two fucks who was saying the words. Throw in cinematography that constantly squealed 'Look I'm Apocalypse Now' despite being nothing of the sort, editing that would feel proud to be called inept and a director exhibiting a startling inability to control anything and I now realise I should have just stared at that poster for two hours instead, it would've been a lot more fun.
Thursday, 9 March 2017
Wednesday, 1 March 2017
Tantalising glimpses behind North Korea's propagandist veil constantly remind you that no matter how fascinating this documentary undoubtedly is there's a much bigger, far more fascinating story that they're desperate, but completely unable, to tell.
Saturday, 25 February 2017
If nothing else this demonstrates that despite having got to a point in my life where I've seen a lot of films, there are still films out there that can offer up new sights unseen by my eyes. Not sure that this is a good thing anymore but wow, I certainly saw some things. Thanks Joefest.
At the end a title card appears proclaiming that this film was made 'with the hope that it will be of use to law enforcement to bring these ferocious killers to justice.' Not sure how a badly made, piss dull attempt of a thriller is gonna be useful to anybody but at least the thought was there.
Friday, 24 February 2017
Kept drifting off. However being the third Trenchard-Smith of the week meant I was prepared for the inevitable extended chase sequences and could catch a quick doze as everybody was running about then wake up for the important stuff like a chap getting his hands cut off. Lost some of the finer plot details.
A teenager gets trapped by bureaucracy in a place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes and works to escape. Which he does, but to a larger place full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes thus coming to the uncomfortable realisation that everywhere is just full of lawlessness, madness, racism and eighties car crashes.
Thursday, 23 February 2017
A barrage of bad taste lesbian nazis and action footage from other people's films topped with lashings of guffaw inducing dialogue.
Wednesday, 22 February 2017
Blazing Magnum [Una magnum Special per Tony Saitta/Special Magnum/Tough Tony Saitta/Shadows In An Empty Room]
An average Giallo thriller pepped up with ludicrous action sequences unavoidably triggered every time the main cop tries to ask somebody a simple question. The best of these is a toss up between a very lengthy car chase across a wide variety of terrains or the bit where the cop gets kicked through a window by a transvestite. A tough call.
Tuesday, 21 February 2017
The loosest interpretation I've ever seen of the phrase 'no animals were harmed in the making of this picture', frequent moments of sleaze and gore that veer into reprehensible and an elephant stamping on a girls head, popping it like a grape. Bad taste, eye popping atrocity and total madness, welcome to Joefest.
A cop who wears giant cuban heels, necessitating a great deal of balls forward posturing presenting an easy target for any nearby bad guy, meets an unexpected ending that ironically could have been avoided if he hadn't been wearing those heels.
More unexpected though was a young Willem Dafoe looking less realistic than the CGI Downey Jr in Civil War.
Friday, 17 February 2017
Wednesday, 8 February 2017
Saturday, 4 February 2017
Friday, 3 February 2017
Thursday, 2 February 2017
Saturday, 28 January 2017
Made me a little bit sad to see Bava reduced to a few props, a car, some actors and a camera but also amazed at what he manages to milk from such meagre resources, making his unfinished movie better than a good proportion of the finished ones.
Saturday, 21 January 2017
Has an amazing final thirty seconds, I just can't decide whether Shyamalan placed that final thirty seconds there to mask the fact that the preceding two hours were shit or whether it was there to justify why the preceding two hours were shit.
Despite the shit film though, that ending is definitely amazing. Unless, like the teenager, you weren't alive in the year 2000, then you're just left very confused as to why the shit film you just watched doesn't actually have a proper end.