Thursday, 24 November 2016

The Inside

Quite literally Found Footage in that a man picks up a camera from a pawn shop and finds a tape full of barely watchable camcorder footage of people endlessly shrieking and running about as they endure unecessary rape, demonic possession and people appearing suddenly in doorways. He then sits down to watch this atrocity in a bar full of people and I spent the entire film wondering why he didn't just turn it off whilst quietly ignoring the fact that I could be doing the same.

Sunday, 20 November 2016

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them [3D]

JKR: I've got this lovely tale about a wizard who loses some monsters in New York and has to round them up again.

WB: That's nice, it needs more story.

JKR: No, I don't think it does. It will focus on the awe and wonder of these mystical creatures with a bit of glib characterisation from a few sidekicks along the way.

WB: We have amazing cast lined up for the inconsequential roles that more story will generate. Big names.

JKR: More cast would just get in the way surely, and an extra story would be an unecessary distraction from the funny tale about the wizard and his exotic menagerie.

WB: (slams fist in to table) WE WANT SEVEN MOVIES OUT OF THIS DAMN IT!

Friday, 11 November 2016


Gently segues from a slow burn 'Well this is bloody dull' into a slow burn 'THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME' with no discernible join between the two states.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Baron Blood [Gli orrori del castello di Norimberga/The Torture Chamber Of Baron Blood]

Classic gothic horror forced to rub up against crass modernity.

Saturday, 5 November 2016

The Bloodstained Shadow [Solamente Nero]

Long-winded mystery that contains a comedy accordian, an old lady getting thrown head first in to a fire and an overlong convoluted final monologue that explains every weird detail that happened, except for why the old lady got thrown head first in to a fire.