Sunday, 31 October 2010

The Human Centipede [First Sequence]

This Halloween I watched a pair of girls, afflicted with incredible levels of cliche, meet one of cinemas finest mad german scientists who uses them to realise an idea that is theoretically abhorrent but in actuality boils down to a bunch of people crying into each others asses.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Legend Of The Guardians : The Owls Of Ga'Hoole [3D]

Flimsy good vs evil propaganda acting as a vehicle for Zack Snyder to prove that slow motion is his bitch for anybody who still remains unaware of such a fact.
Proof: "Hey Charlotte what did you make of the owl movie?", "Not much, it was a bit weird", "What about the slow fighting stuff?", "COOL!"

Friday, 29 October 2010


I had resigned classic Disney animation to the same dumping ground as Santa and the Tooth Fairy, i.e. something you don't really believe in now you're all grown up.
Dumbo demonstrated that I may have been a little too hasty with such resignation if only for the fact that it contains songs that made me smile, as opposed to grind my teeth for their duration. Oh, and pink elephants.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Bloodsucking Freaks [The Incredible Torture Show]

Completely unhinged schlock.
Essentially a collage of tawdry shock moments, each one delivered with considerable glee, stitched together by a vapid inconsequential plot and rounded out by an ever present maniacal dancing dwarf.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010


Total atrocity about a bizarre unexplained spiky mould that menaces a bunch of people whose only defence is a combination of mind numbing stupidity and horrendous, turgid dialogue ("It's ok, we're cutting your arm off" is one of the best).
There was almost a glimmer of something worthwhile when the threat takes on a larger creature form, but eventually I realised I couldn't tell whether people were screaming because they were being attacked by the monster or by the incredibly enthusiastic editing.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Boot Camp

Bland nonsense that seeks to expose the sordid brutality of teenage 'Tough Love' rehabilitation camps by utilising the power of truly shit film making.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

The Adventures Of Mark Twain

A lavish, freaked out advertisement for Plasticine.
Basically a meditation on existence communicated via snippets of Twain's stories and observations, the best bit being when Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn meet Satan who creates an entire city populated by crude replicas of Tony Hart's Morph just to cruelly destroy it all whilst explaining that life is nothing more than a thought within a void.

Despicable Me [3D]

The 3D genuinely wows, the rest underwhelms.
Charlotte said it was 'extremely awesome' so I can only assume that she was in it for the 3D.

Friday, 15 October 2010

The Guard Post [GP506]

When a guard post on the border between the Koreas is discovered with everybody inside chopped to pieces by the only survivor, a man is given a paltry 12 hours to navigate a messy tangle of flashbacks and figure out which film this is most trying to be.
Early indicators point toward The Happening, an unfortunate association that the film never quite manages to shake off.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


A tone perfect marriage of fairytales, Grand Guignol and haunted houses.

Monday, 11 October 2010

The Social Network

Alex likes this.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

A Serbian Film [Srpski film]

Thanks to the finger wagging moron all I was aware of before watching this was the 'Vile and Shocking Content etc'. So it was a surprise to find that the utterly gut churning imagery on offer was neatly embedded in an extremely well made, truly excellent Cronenberg style descent into screaming madness.
Although it does get nasty. Really nasty.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Rest Stop

Offers itself as a confusion of foetid torture nonsense and a piss poor ghost story, such indecision causing it to be far less than the pitiful sum of its parts.

The Hole In 3D

Dark menace manifesting in dull suburbia? Check.
Diminutive terror running round cackling and throwing things? Check.
Liberal sprayings of obscure film references throughout? Check.
Dick Miller in the middle looking bewildered? Check.
Ah, that'll be a complete return to form for Joe Dante then.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Alice In Acidland

Shows girls imbibing vast quantities of drugs and liquor before going on to frantically dry hump anything that moves whilst a man constantly tells you that this is BAD.
After an hour of this I was slightly bored and fairly convinced that the man was wrong, they appeared to be having a wail of a time. In order to back up his prior assertations the man then shows that the titular Alice is now a TOTAL MENTAL VEGETABLE, and furthermore this state is her Acidland!
I felt somewhat cheated.

Monday, 4 October 2010


Astonishingly well drawn slice of magic that never sweetens it's moral pill, naughty boys turning into donkeys still freaks me out. Particularly the ones that can still talk, what do they do with them ?

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Sky High

Made me faintly nauseous.
Charlotte kept saying 'WOAH!' an awful lot.
The continuing divergence of our film opinions just notched up a gear.