Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl [Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken]

Imbecilic shit which is nothing more than an excuse for the director to show off his prowess at connecting garden sprinklers to various actresses and then piping beetroot red water through them.

Iron Man Three [3D]

 

The dialogue was snappy, the plotting clever, the action sequences like giant cartoons, but through it all I kept thinking 'Why the fuck am I watching a Christmas movie in May?'

 

Robot & Frank

 

A lovely combination of alzheimer's, kleptomania and advanced technologies.

 

The ABCs Of Death

8% 'Tsk. Letting the side down.' (G,M)

15% 'Huh? Really?' (B,K,P,S)

23% 'Hmmm. Interesting.' (A,C,E,I,R,X)

35% 'Wow! Play that one again!' (D,H,J,N,O,Q,U,V,Y)

19% 'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY BRAIN IS MELTING!' (F,L,T,W,Z)

Senna

 

Made me want to play Mario Kart.

 

Evil Dead

Fucks it up within the first five minutes as you're presented with the type of catastrophic bollocks that Cabin In The Woods ripped the piss out of so well. From there it's a parade of cookie-cutter scary girls, brain bludgeoning loud noises and mangled, shattered internal logic. There's also the occasional appearance of motifs that remind you this is all based on a much, much, much better film.

Offspring

One of those films where somebody loved a novel so much that they forced a bunch of shit actors to perform the vaguest approximation of it whilst attempting, and failing, to focus a camera pointing in their general direction.

The Hunter

 

Impressive undulating scenery tries to plug the gap left by an absence of required emotional heft.

I am of course talking about Willem Dafoe's face, though the film was much the same.

Skyfall

 

As Bond tries to be more and more real it all looks more and more absurd.

 

Basket Case

 

A man carries his deformed, surgically separated siamese twin about in a basket and occasionally lets it loose so it can tear people in two.

Gets by on charm and humour, certainly not on its SFX work.

 

A Dirty Shame

 

Sex addiction amplified to cartoon proportions used in a bid to offend all the prudes whilst simultaneously mocking them for being prudes. I reckon John Waters still titters to himself about it.

 

Spring Breakers

 

Beautifully obnoxious collage of tits, drugs and criminal activity. Loved it, obviously.

 

Rear Window

 

A perfect thriller made all the more enjoyable by a delicious streak of the macabre running through it.

 

Rope

 

Hitchcock plays with form whilst delivering meta-commentary on cinema, murder and Nietzche. A joy to watch.

 

Gone

 

Some of the stupidest bullshit I've ever sat through.

 

Pooh's Heffalump Movie

In which Roo not only learns to ignore casual racism but also to forge a balanced opinion independent of the views of ignorant adults, whilst being kind to others.

I learnt that it is possible to make a kids movie with decent moral fibre rather than simply instilling a bloated sense of self importance in the fragile minds of our children.

Charlotte learnt that the occupants of Hundred Acre Wood are all Christopher Robin's toys, this blew her mind.

Scream Blacula Scream

 

Joefest coda: We felt Leprechaun 5 was just too shit to end on so found time to squeeze in one last bit of trash, opting for the Blacula sequel.

It's better than Blacula.

 

Leprechaun In The Hood

 

Joefest closes with the frankly appalling fifth entry in the perennially offensive Leprechaun series. We thought it would be funny, we are idiots.

 

Who Can Kill A Child? [¿Quién puede matar a un niño?/ Death Is Child's Play/ Trapped/ Island Of The Damned]

 

Absolutely fucking brilliant. Shows chilling restraint then suddenly plunges into a terrible inevitable madness.

Made all the more sinister by not having subtitles on the occasional bout of lengthy Spanish monolgues.

 

The Day Of The Beast [El día de la bestia]

 

Superb caper about a priest who gives himself over to evil in order to track down the devil and prevent the birth of the Antichrist, abetted by an overweight heavy metal fan and a distinctly unwilling faux-psychic TV show host. Funniest film i've seen in a while about men obsessed with killing a child.

 

Countess Dracula

 

A great deal of cleavage, no vampires.

 

Blacula

 

Surprisingly straight up meeting of seventies LA and a black prince turned vampire with an unpronounceable name. Everybody involved strains with all their might to maintain dignity and present nobility against an exploitative backdrop, which by the end they achieve admirably.