Dracula di Dario Argento

 

A typically flat Italian Hammer clone with occasional bursts of Argento insanity that made me both laugh out loud and clap my hands like a child.

Despite the poster Dracula never changes into a bat, he does at one point however choose to appear as a ten foot praying mantis, which I imagine would make for a far, far better poster.

 

The Dunwich Horror [Witches: The Darkest Evil]

 

Dismal adaptation of Lovecraft that reduces a brilliant tale down to wooden actors trading stillborn dialogue as they rattle around rough approximations of the original plot points until they visibly give up in the face of special effects so shit my brain threw up inside my skull.

 

The Beyond [...E tu vivrai nel terrore! L'aldilà/ Seven Doors Of Hell]

 

Lucio Fulci once again exhibits an astounding level of incompetence, this time adding a smattering of vague Lovecraft references in an attempt to spice up his usual mix of unnecessary gore, baffling incoherence and coma inducing boredom.

 

Bleeders [Hemoglobin/ The Descendant]

 

A whiny goth discovers he is related to a clan of subterranean dwellers who look like an unfortunate collision of plasticine and spunk so he eats a couple of children and fucks his hermaphrodite twin sister.

A strong parable about why you shouldn't be a whiny fucking goth.

 

Beyond Re-Animator

 

This.

That is all.

 

Waxwork II: Lost In Time

 

A less successful retread of the first film that's a bit too in on its own joke. There is the occasional highlight to be had though such as Bruce Campbell showing off an exposed ribcage (Groovy) and Martin Kemp's eyes exploding out of his face (Gold).

 

Waxwork

A particular favourite of mine wherein the always watchable David Warner tempts idiot teenagers to cross the rope into his Waxwork exhibits so that after plenty of running about and screaming they eventually become part of the display. Everything then climaxes in a Royal Rumble of classic movie monsters vs a bunch of rabid OAPs. Brilliant.

Naked... You Die [Nude... si muore/ The Young, The Evil And The Savage/ The Miniskirt Murders]

 

Another chain of stylishly perpetrated deaths, this time a series of strangulations at a girls boarding school, with a gender based twist that maybe would've been a bit more of a surprise if the lady in question hadn't spent the whole film talking like a man.

And walking like a man.

And clearly being a fucking man in a dress.

 

The French Sex Murders [Casa d'appuntamento]

 

A reasonably compelling whodunnit about a Humphrey Bogart impersonation investigating a slew of dead whores.

Unusually every time the black gloved killer dispatches a victim the moment is repeated six or seven times with a different coloured lens, rendering the film a curious combination of giallo and a DIY store paint colour chart.

 

Island Of Death [Ta pediá tou Diavólou]

 

A little bit like a badly acted, cheaply made, seventies version of Sightseers with added masturbation, pissing, face burning, decapitation by bulldozer, rape, gay rape and goat rape.

 

Down Terrace

 

In his first film Ben Wheatley smashes it out of the park with a drug addled family crime drama that veers comfortably close to slasher territory. That's three out of three, this man is cinema's new genius.

 

Trance

Shallow Grave embedded in a tangle of realities and vividly painted in primary colours. Ace.

Texas Killing Fields

Boring, confused cop drama in which Jeffrey Dean Morgan constantly looks like he just woke up, Chloe Moretz fails to act, Jessica Chastain is criminally under-used and Sam Worthington frequently becomes indistinguishable from any other wooden objects cluttering up the film.

The one surprise to be had was Stephen Graham cropping up and being typically brilliant for the entirety of his paltry three minutes of screen time.

The Croods [3D]

Relentlessly stupid cartoon about an unlikeable family of cavemen who behave and move like animals but argue semantics, who don't know what fire is but know what burning is and who break laws of physics at will but can't walk in shoes. The only likeable character with a decent, useful human attribute is consistently ridiculed for it until everything halts in a mire of 'Dad issues', how it's important to 'find yourself' and how having a pet makes everything OK.

I asked Charlotte what she thought the film was about and got "Everybody follows the rules, then everybody breaks the rules. Breaking rules makes things better.", yeah thanks a fucking bunch Dreamworks, you cunts.

Foster

I allowed the child to peruse Lovefilm's instant watch list and she immediately zeroed in on this mawkish rot about angels that spend their time hanging out with grieving parents at Legoland.

The Whisperer In Darkness

The H.P Lovecraft society, the last people you would expect to fuck about with Lovecraft, have lovingly crafted an authentic 1940s film adaptation that ineptly fucks about with Lovecraft.

Livid [Livide]

 

A film that would dearly love to be a French Argento but unfortunately ends up being more like a French Fulci.

 

Side Effects

 

A deft combination of conspiracy, moral quandary, mental illness and weak nineties thrillers all bound together by excellent casting and brilliant film making.

 

Pom Poko [Heisei tanuki gassen ponpoko]

 

Eco-parable about racoons with magic testicles trying to resist the inevitable human encroachment on their homes.

Charlotte said the film had no purpose, it was just a load of racoons messing about and they only used their magic 'bits' a few times, they should have used them all the time.

 

Hard Target

 

Features some of the John Woo's absolute finest action set pieces. Also features Van Damme punching out a snake.

 

Oz The Great And Powerful

A slick, glossy remake of Army Of Darkness with all its beats stolen from The Wizard Of Oz.

 Charlotte's favourite character was the talking, flying monkey because 1) it was a monkey, she likes monkeys and 2) she wants to be able to fly like the monkey. I thought the monkey looked fucking weird. 

Mama

 

One of cinema's freakier ghosts rides the usual wave of illogic & idiocy that has inexplicably become the norm in mainstream horror.

 

Stoker

 

Style is flung about in spades and whilst there's certainly enough to impress, it's never heaped deep enough to hide the film's many weaknesses.

Chan-wook Park's 'Hard Target'.