Necronomicon

This Halloween I watched masses of tentacles explode from a lady's eye sockets, David Warner drag out his own melting by periodically tearing lumps off himself and a group of interdimensional beings sucking bone marrow from dismembered limbs whilst the previous owner looks on with shrieking insanity.
King.

The Death Factory: Bloodletting

The kind of film where moody, industrial beats play when people are wandering around dimly lit locations, visibly confused by the absence of plot and indecipherable death metal plays when people are getting their heads sawn off.

The Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn [3D]

Grown-up: "Spielberg plays with some new toys creating an unparallelled fluid kineticism whilst also indulging in his obsession with complex match cuts. Unfortunately he seems more concerned with apologising for Indy than making Tintin and despite the obvious technical skill on display the film struggles to grip or excite".

Kid: "Brilliant. Though I did keep thinking 'When is it going to end?'"

Contagion

The film's strength is a steely cold pragmatism, although this has the unfortunate side effect of making it feel like an educational film that should have intermittent pauses allowing you to answer questions on an accompanying sheet.

Your Highness

Woefully unfunny for every long minute.

Johnny English Reborn

Swerves back and forth across a line that separates unsuccessful Clouseau aping from satisfying Bond piss ripping.
Charlotte laughed at both a man painfully dragging a large rock tethered to his penis and an old lady being beaten unconscious with a tea tray. I'm such a proud father.

Akira

A catalogue of cinematic benchmarks: Best hand drawn animation ever, best motorcycle chase ever, best giant mutant apocalyptic baby ever...
The list is endless.

Tyrannosaur

Two blinding central performances deftly steered through very familiar cinematic territories of simmering tensions, violence and abuse with careful understated nudges toward climactic surprise and awe.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

In which Tomas Alfredson wields subtlety and grace with a power far exceeding the primary coloured hyperbole being excessively splashed about in Hollywood.
Truly magnificent.

And Soon The Darkness [2010 Remake]

Focuses on the startling stupidity of pretty girls in peril and then explores how to make this as unexciting as possible through a total lack of dynamics in story telling.
Also contains very little darkness.

Pretty Little Devils [Legacy]

Shit actresses playing detestable characters in a menstrual blood clot of a film.

And Now The Screaming Starts

Amicus keep up their brilliant titles but drop the compendium format for a full length feature which teeters on the brink of hokey overkill until Peter Cushing appears at the hour mark and restores a modicum of sophistication to proceedings.

Johnny English

A pathetic splash in the tide of mediocrity that is British cinema.
I had hoped that upon seeing this Charlotte would give up on the idea of watching the sequel, but no, she laughed like a drain throughout thus sealing my fate.

Dying Breed

Unremarkable ozploitation cannibal piece that prioritizes nastiness over plot coherence at every opportunity.

Terrorvision

Like some kind of bizarre, adults only, live action Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Not very good but certainly unique.

The Horde [La horde]

A fairly comprehensive answer to the question "What would a John Carpenter Zombie movie, made at the height of his powers in the eighties and filmed in French, be like?"

Deep Throat

A showcase for a variety of genitals that can be roughly grouped into two categories: Wookie or Sarlacc.

Red State

Kevin Smith finally stops trying to be the guy who made Clerks and instead concentrates on doing the thing that made him stand out in the first place; bringing his own unique voice to cinema.

Melancholia

Seems to be an attempt at making depression sexy, however it's as boring and pretentious as you'd expect wish fulfillment for manic depressives to be.