Taxi Hunter [Di shi pan guan]

Joefest ends with this little gem about a mild mannered salaryman trying his hardest to be a cold blooded killer, surprisingly touching in places for such a grotty little vengeance flick and jam packed with crazed automobile stunts. King.

The Thing With Two Heads

Wildly entertaining blaxploitation piece with a car chase in the middle that feels like it lasts for about 3 days, but in a good way. King.

Human Lanterns [Ren pi deng long]

Much the same plot as The Terror Of Tiny Town only considerably better because this involves considerably more awesome Kung Fu sequences and a subplot about human skinning.

Contraband [Luca il contrabbandiere/ The Smuggler/ The Naples Connection]

Hopelessly convoluted with messy morals and absolutely no control over its tone, all par for the course for Fulci fucking up his only attempt at a crime drama.

Liquid Sky

Smacks of Bowie.

#Alive

Did it do anything new? No, not really. Did it do the old stuff well? Yeah, it did actually. Did it need to do something new? Um, yeah it probably did.

The Raiders Of Atlantis [I predatori di Atlantide/ The Atlantis Interceptors/ Atlantis Inferno]

Cheap, crude, excessively violent and a shit load of fun.

Centipede Horror [Wu gong zhou]

Apart from a single bravura centipede vomiting sequence this is disappointingly bereft of horrifying centipede moments, though this is easily made up for by some superb whacky black magic combat and more exploding birds.

The Nest

Took quite a while for the cockroaches to actually gather any menace, but then a mutant cat gets thrown in the mix and everything becomes a lot more fun.

Butterfly Murders [Dip bin]

No idea what the fuck was going on at any point. The film was then explained to me afterward and though the explanation made sense, it bore no resemblance to what I had just watched. Apart from the magic fire crow.

The Fly

A classic, although the dated storytelling doesn’t imbue the film with the necessary levels of intrigue any more and just comes off as excessive padding.

Little Monsters

A bit too light hearted for the zombie crowd, bit too much inventive swearing for the light hearted crowd.

Head

Unfortunately none of the forced jollity, zany antics or inspired segues are enough to cover up the fact that quite clearly nobody making this gives a single shit about it.

Annette

In which everybody sings one Sparks song over and over repeatedly till the end of time or the end of the movie, whichever comes first and at times there’s genuine confusion as to which outcome this could actually be.

The Terror Of Tiny Town

How do you make the boring old western exciting? Certainly not by filling it with midgets singing a bunch of crap songs, that’s a fucking awful idea.

Silent Madness 3D

Oddly enough, given its 3D sensationalist nature, this was less concerned with being the brutal slasher promised on the poster and far more interested in being an expose of corrupt medical practices uncovered by a plucky doctor. The 3D was surprisingly good.

In A Glass Cage [Tras el cristal]

Punishingly bleak study of evil, wanking and evil wanking.

Crazy Joe

Stodgy, formless attempt to do something that Coppola and Scorsese were already doing much better, top marks for trying though.

Death On The Nile

You know, it looks like everybody involved enjoyed themselves making this and I wouldn’t want to take anybody’s enjoyment from them no matter what I thought of their dull little film.

Eyes Of Fire

The motto of the story appears to be if you’re gonna anger some ancient Indian spirits you better have your pet witch around or you’re definitely fucked.

Jackass Forever

Still not a film. Still a fantastic way to spend 90 minutes laughing at people being voluntarily stupid.

Steel And Lace

When a gifted concert pianist commits suicide after her rape trial concludes with her attackers walking free, her brother builds a perfect robot facsimile of her and implants an AI consciousness in there so it can trundle off and brutally murder all who wronged her. It’s a story line that throws up so many questions, and the answer to every one is ‘because this shit is King as fuck’.

Sex Of The Witch [Il sesso della strega]

Tries its hardest to be a proper film but keeps getting distracted with extended scenes of soft pornography detailing a huge amount of frottage undertaken by a house keeper who is a dead ringer for Edwige Fenech and a gardener who is a dead ringer for a spindle of slowly cooking doner meat. Fails to be a proper film.

No, The Case Is Happily Resolved [No il caso è felicemente risolto]

Strong Wire foreshadowing with the protagonist’s mistrust of the police leading him to being targeted for the brutal murder he witnessed, the police are happy to follow whatever evidence trail leads to someone being put away and the journalists know what’s going on but are powerless to stop any of it. Great stuff.