Abduction

The teenager's choice. Paper thin nonsense peppered with special effects so fake that they're surely only there to make Taylor Lautner's acting appear realistic by contrast. Part way through the teenager turned to me and said 'just because I chose it doesn't mean it's good' which made me realise a dark truth that just as i'm on the verge of finally shaking the curse of talking animals, I can instead now look forward to years of piss poor films populated with random muscled up young men.

The BFG [3D]

A beautifully old fashioned rendition of a true Dahl classic, adapted as faithfully as you could hope for in the modern cinematic landscape, the only niggle being I can't put my finger on why it was all a bit underwhelming.

Ghostbusters [2016 Remake]

Doesn't deserve the hate, but still not great.
You can keep that for your next rap battle. No, no need to thank me.

Central Intelligence

The Rock's powers continue to grow at an alarming rate, here he some how manages to make a Kevin Hart movie into a likeable one.

Beneath

As if being trapped six hundred feet underground due to a collapsed mine shaft isn't bad enough, a bunch of coal miners and a random daughter also have to contend with a terribly hokey 'is there or isn't there ghosts down here too?' subplot as well.

Now You See Me 2

Overcrowded ensemble piece that manages to exceed the incredibly low bar set by the original, mainly by romping about like a low grade airport thriller on crack.

The Neon Demon

Two of my favourite movies ever are Meyer's Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls and Argento's Suspiria which, in my eyes, makes it virtually impossible for The Neon Demon to fail.

American Movie

Gently told documentary about the kind of insistent film making that will be familiar to anybody who has tried making a film armed only with a camera, their grim determinaton and the sympathy of all their friends and family.

Night Of The Creeps

Successfully crams in aliens, sorority house axe murders, the reanimated dead, space slugs, a booze soaked cop, zombie animals, explosions and Dick Miller.
King.