The Black Cat [Gatto Nero]

The opening credits state that this is 'freely adapted from Edgar Allen Poe's short story', which here appears to be Italian shorthand for 'completely disregard the original story and make a film about a cat that kills people by hypnotism'.

Green Lantern

Utter wank.

And for once the teenager was inclined to agree.

Witching & Bitching [Las brujas de Zugarramurdi]

Suffocates under large quantities of dialogue that tries to convince you the film isn't rampantly misogynistic and homophobic, even though it clearly is because Spain.

The Devil's Rain

Clearly jettisons twenty minutes of plot at the beginning, presumably to make way for an unnecessary twenty minutes of melting eyeless people at the end.

Virgin Witch

Collage of breasts propping up some nonsense about witches getting grumpy with each other.

Witchfinder General [Edgar Allen Poe's The Conqueror Worm]

The incredible levels of pastoral gentleness dampen Hopkin's raw malevolence, no matter how coldly Price plays him, although the bleak, screaming nihilism of the film's climax more than makes up for it.

The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension

Proves that it's tricky to be coherent when you're being zany and it's difficult to be zany when you reek of desperation to be liked.

Xtro

A weird and peculiarly British blend of sex, death and sticky aliens. Worth watching to see a lady messily give birth to a full-grown man.

Starcrash [The Adventures Of Stella Star]

Simultaneously the worst movie you've ever seen and yet also the best.

Absolute king.

Screamers

One of the better translations of Philip K. Dick's excessive levels of future paranoia although you have to forgive some seriously ropey special effects and the limitations brought on by a miniscule cast in order to make it to the end.

Accion Mutante

A fountain of invention, packed with splatter and coated in jet black humour.

Targets

The tale of a fading movie star attempting to retire dovetails into a story of a teenager tipping over the brink into kill-spree insanity. Culminates in classic movie menace vs. the blank horror of real life followed by Karloff giving someone a bitch slap. King.

Cannibal! The Musical [Alferd Packer: The Musical]

Starting point for Trey Parker and Matt Stone that shows bright glimmers of future glories.

Seul contre tous [I Stand Alone]

Insistent bleakness that constantly seeks out a lower low at every opportunity.

Gu [Bewitched]

An unhinged blend of thai travelogue, black magic instructional video and a deranged catalogue of gooey spells that all ends with a tiny toy bat crawling out of an old lady's melted face.

Could easily lose all of its travelogue shit and what's left would still be king as fuck.

Pin

Struggles to rise above dull. Not surprising given it's best attempt to inject a bit of excitement/menace into proceedings was a life size dummy slowly bouncing off the furniture in a remote control electric wheelchair.

Dead & Buried

An attempt to ressurect (ahem) the zombie movies of the 30s and 40s, almost succeeds but despite the best efforts of a fake Fred Ward and a fake Christopher Lloyd the whole thing dribbles to a climax that at best illicits a shrug.

Nekromantik

Cheap shock tactics that try to pass comment on film censorship, upset authority and make viewers screw up their face in disgust. Focuses most of its effort on that last one.

Deadpool

Puerile, smart, funny and violent. Just how I like 'em.

Triple 9

Cinematic style in constant argument with an insistent naturalistic tone leaves mediocre fizzle where there should be emotional punches.

The Human Centipede 3 [Final Sequence]

Amps up the shitting, fucking and death to such abhorrently tasteless levels it made me so nauseuous I had to pause the film and go get some air.

I can't remember the last time a film did that, which I suppose is something to be applauded, unfortunately the only thing in this deeply offensive, shambolic, formless afterbirth of a movie.