X-Men: The Last Stand

 

Every moment in this film can be described with one of the adjectives awkward, clumsy or oafish.

Charlotte didn't understand why I kept pointing at the screen and laughing, she felt it was just as good as number 2. A step backwards for her critiquing skills.

 

X-Men 2 [X2]

 

Bursts at the seams with plot flecked with moments where everybody gets a chance to do something cool.

Demons Of The Mind

 

An extended League Of Gentlemen episode with most of the funny bits removed.

 

Red Hill

 

Angry Australians grunt and kill each other.

 

Crawl

 

Excellent use of silence elevates Coen Brothers pastiche.

 

Yo-Yo Girl Cop [Sukeban Deka: Kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki]

The paucity of yo-yoing left me feeling distinctly underwhelmed. A blander, more fitting title would be just "Girl Cop" or "Intermittent Violence Girl: Not Much Yo-Yo".

X-Men: Days Of Future Past [3D]

Bryan Singer showing off that he's the best at making X-Men movies.

71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance [71 Fragmente einer Chronologie des Zufalls]

A lot of little stories about sad people all become the same story about how everything is totally screwed.

Thundercrack!

Crazy fucked up pornographic trash of epic proportions about a pair of girls who pick up a hitch-hiker then crash their car trying to wank him off. They're found by a pair of bisexual men and a Christian who decides that the best course of action is to seek shelter in a farmhouse that turns out to be owned by a crazy woman who keeps her husband pickled in a series of jars. The group then find they are trapped inside the house by the twin menaces of a very loud storm and a rogue pack of escaped circus animals and so engage in an undending variety of graphic sexual encounters to kill some time. Things come to a head when somebody gets jerked off by a gorilla, one of the girls finds true love by butt-fucking him with a strap-on and the other girl winds up having to spend the rest of her life getting raped by a mentally disabled man with balls bigger than his head.

Godzilla [3D]

 

An amazing blend of emotion, intelligence and fucking huge monsters trashing shit. I wish all multi-million dollar blockbusters were like this.

Grace

 

A stillborn child is the start of a most discomforting descent into screaming madness that all ends with a silly punchline.

 

Primal

 

An Australian, cookie-cutter, evil unleashed amongst stereotypes tale that makes you sit through a bunch of fucking awful Photoshopped FX just to get to a clever use of the word 'cunt'.

 

Exte: Hair Extensions [Ekusute]

 

Solidly rips the piss out of J-Horror's hair obsession whilst also tackling themes of severe child abuse along the way. Different.

 

Bad Neighbours

 

As I sat stony faced through this likeable excess of drugs and crude sexual imagery I realised I'm just a bit too old for this shit. This then turned out to be the moral of the film, which I'm pretty sure means it won. Damn you, Rogen.

 

I Spit On Your Grave 2

 

A fashion model is raped into unconciousness and wakes up in Bulgaria, which isn't a euphemism for her post traumatic state, simply a country where film production is dirt cheap and no-one cares if you piss out an unecessary sequel that's so tasteless it could offend a Nazi.