Freaks

A masterpiece of scheming, vengeance and physical abnormality.

Tangled [3D]

The princess was pretty.
The horse was funny.
The songs were piss poor.

Centurion

An uneven glomeration of grumpy people travelling on foot at varying speeds through unfriendly landscapes interspersed with moments resembling local fete amateur battle reconstructions only liberally wreathed in PS3 style blood FX.

Black Swan

Begins as textbook Polanski but is executed with such precision that by the end it actually manages to surpass such comparison.
Phenomenal.

Flesh For Frankenstein [Andy Warhol's Frankenstein] [3D]

Preposterous over-sexed version of Frankenstein, the best bit being when the relentlessly intense Udo Kier has a spear shoved through him which he clutches dangling his liver out of the screen and then embarks on a lengthy soliloquy.
King.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives [Loong Boonmee raleuk chat]

Glacially paced, yet effortlessly gorgeous, meditation on passing and memory that is light on useful dialogue but heavy on loaded imagery.

Unknown

A fairly high grade cast wake with no memory to find themselves trapped in an empty lifeless thriller, where a series of shaky explanatory flashbacks challenge the viewer to actually give a shit.

The Green Hornet [3D]

Includes two incredible fight sequences and an innovative use of split screen but for the most part it's just Seth Rogen mugging like a twat.

Waterpower [The Enema Bandit]

Chuck D once asked me how low can I go? This film may be the answer.
I read about this one in Jonathan Ross' Incredibly Strange Film Book where he stated 'not many people would actually admit to having seen the film' and I should've just left it there. Instead I made the mistake of pursuing this marathon of nausea and can now offer advice on how to avoid my chronic error, never watch this film.

How To Train Your Dragon

Another kids movie, more bloody 'dad issues'.

The Secret Of Nimh

A childhood favourite that still manages to deliver.
Not that the child would know, she refused to watch it after a picture of Nicodemus 'freaked her out'.

Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship & Videotape

It doesn't matter how much you try to paint our government's actions of the time with sinister machiavellian overtones the whole fiasco does just boil down to an embarassing mixture of bumbling incompetency and unintelligent self-righteousness, qualities which seem ever present in their treatment of Britain's film industry.
This documentary does, however, remind me how far I have to go to in watching the entire DPP list. Everybody needs an ambition.

Primer

In which a well crafted tsunami of techno-babble and a careful consideration of time travel cover up a frustrating reticence to actually tell a story.

127 Hours

Although Boyle excels at creating a strong visual interpretation of a trapped man's ruminations on his past, he can't escape the fact that the only exciting thing to happen in this particular chap's life is getting trapped under a rock in a canyon.

Machete

Tits, death and immigration policy weave together into a grin inducing tapestry depicting a perfect modern homage of exploitation cinema.

The Hitcher [2007 Remake]

Sean Bean goes for 'bewildered apathetic psychopath' as he provokes american teenagers into gross stupidity.
As if they need provoking.

Dead Or Alive [Dead or Alive: Hanzaisha]

Thoroughly entertaining Triad vs Yakuza tale elevated to sublimity by a raft of deft miike flourishes such as a stammering gangster, somebody being drowned in their own shit and an ending that slams everything sideways with a giddy glee.

Combat Shock

Struggles gamely to be uncomfortably harrowing, but is constantly scuppered by zero budget and amateur acting until the last 15 mins when a final surge of bleakness plus a mutant baby in an oven pushes it to success.

The Holy Mountain

Crazed scattershot assemblage of surrealist imagery occupied with the usual themes of sex, religion, death, (re)birth, zoo animals and outlandish weirdness all overloaded with an unstable quantity of allegorical symbolism comprehensible by nobody.

Tron: Legacy [IMAX 3D]

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