Embodiment Of Evil [Encarnação do Demônio]

Sequel to a pair of 1960s, z-grade, brazilian nasties (with the same director) in which the villain of the series is released into the world 40 years on as an old man who, whilst being hounded by the black and white ghosts of past victims, has to contend with the difficulties of favela life in modern Brazil as he continues his quest to conceive a perfect child by randomly capturing people and torturing them in outrageously insane ways (such as a woman sewn inside a dead pig!) until a beautiful lady walks up to him, takes off her clothes and demands he put his baby inside her. This happens several times.
King.

Gamer

Bloody ridiculous.

Although it did raise some important questions, like "What's the point of Gerard Butler?" and...

No, got it wrong, that's the only question it raised.

Paris, je t'aime

18 directors, including names like Wes Craven, Tom Tykwer, Alfonso Cuarón and the Coens, struggle with the short film format.
In order the 18 films are 1.Slight 2.Sweet 3.Ironic 4.Funny 5.Notional 6.Bizarre 7.Sad 8.Shit 9.Surreal 10.Clever 11.Bollocks 12.Dull 13.Nonsense 14.Total Arse 15.Stupid 16. Excellent 17.Bittersweet 18.Just nice.

Hellevator: The Bottled Fools [Gusha no bindume]

A squalid, brutal version of Con Air set in an elevator.
This would be great if it were a description of the whole film, but it's not, it's only the first 40 mins and the rest of the film doesn't know what to do with itself afterward.
Like watching premature ejaculation.

Tetsuo II: Body Hammer

Brilliant craziness.
Meaning that it's both brilliant and completely off its tits throughout.

Pulse [2006 Remake]

I was curious as to how bad this could actually be.
It contained a destruction of both subtlety and nuance on a par with a child attempting to recreate an artistic masterpiece with orange crayon.
Only if a child were actually to do this you would probably cock your head to one side and say "Well done", whereas this film just gave me the irrepressible urge to force my fist down the director's throat and drag his asshole out though his mouth so he can taste the same shit I had to watch.

The Thing

Oh, the visceral joy of real special effects. Landmark horror cinema.

Dorian Gray

Complete bastard trains up some young fellow into the ultimate complete bastard. There's something about a painting as well.
Great bit of modern Gothic.

Mad Detective [Sun taam]

Above average multiple personality disorder adventure.
The true joy when watching this film is the amount of intelligence credited to the viewer, western cinema still struggles with this concept.

DOA: Dead Or Alive

Lovefilm make a chronic error.
I'm fairly certain that Takashi Miike won't have been within a 1000 miles of this tragic teenage boy wank fantasy shit.
A strongly worded email has been composed and sent.

The Final Destination [3D]

Nothing more than a series of Mouse-Trap style deaths that exploit 3D to the absolute maximum. Although, to its credit, it never pretends to be anything else.

Tokyo!

Misanthropic triptych about Tokyo.
Gondry's is mostly boring with a touch of weirdness, Carax's is darkly comic with a touch of genius and Bong's is wonderfully sweet with a shedload of charm.

District 9

Excellent ideas and superb filmmaking hamstrung by a muddled story built so precariously that the merest whiff of intelligent analysis is enough to send it crashing down.
A terrible shame.

Hiruko The Goblin [Yôkai hantâ: Hiruko]

Weird, awkward combination of an eighties feel-good adventure movie and full on insane, splatter.
I want to say it's like Labyrinth crossed with Evil Dead, but it's not good enough for that.

Brain Damage [Elmer]

A firm favourite. But then any film that features an exchange of human brains for hallucinogenic drugs, brokered by a foot long blue turd, is always going to be a firm favourite.

Mesrine: Killer Instinct [L'instinct de mort]

Good, but the story jumped about like a frog that had been force-fed high grade amphetamines and then set on fire.
This killed any urge to spend money on the second part.

The Hurt Locker

Impeccably crafted meditation on modern warfare.

Antichris♀

Taps into an ancient, arcane terror that would make Machen proud. Combine this with some breathtaking cinematography and you have a work of absolute magnificence.