Flight Of The Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane [Plane Dead]

Cheap shit about zombies on a plane something something, don’t care, it was fucking awful.

Hush

Woman with minimal back story fights off an assailant with zero story whatsoever and finally succeeds by using items that were shown prominently in the first scene.

Lake Mungo

If a week ago I’d been asked ‘what’s the cleverest spooky mockumentary you’ve seen’ I wouldn’t have had an answer. Well, I do now.

Ghost Rider

Mostly consists of Nicholas Cage fighting bad guys by turning into Ghost Rider, then standing still whilst a special effect decides who wins the fight. Spoiler, the winner is always Ghost Rider.

Body Count [Camping del terrore]

Sets up a first group of irritating teenagers and then suddenly leaps forward fifteen years to setup another group of irritating teenagers visiting a campsite built on an Indian burial ground just as a third group of teenagers arrive in a van, all of whom then get stabbed by a man in a rubber mask.

Sex With A Smile [40 gradi all'ombra del lenzuolo]

A comedy anthology, meaning that you get five concentrated blasts of leering voyeurism, raw misogyny and rampant sex pest behaviour, none of which are particularly funny.

Malignant

Witless stupidity that frequently made me swear out loud at it in the cinema, particularly so when the awful score would inexplicably mangle The Pixies’ Where Is My Mind presumably done to make listening to the film as shit as what you’re watching.

The City Of Lost Children [La cité des enfants perdus]

Was absolutely remarkable when it first came out, and has lost none of its magic since.

Quel gran pezzo della Ubalda tutta nuda e tutta calda [Ubalda, All Naked And Warm]

Excruciating attempt at comedy where the jokes entirely revolve around either somebody getting hit on the head or somebody being a repugnant sex pest.

Prisoners Of The Ghostland

Aims for ‘arty’ but misses and lands squarely in ‘pointless random shit’ instead.

Dirty Work

Rises above the typically mediocre slew of fumbling attempts by Saturday Night Live alumni to make movies, due partly to some inspired cameos but mostly to Norm Macdonald’s sardonic, blunt, deadpan delivery of every line.

La Pretora [My Sister In Law]

Edwige Fenech plays two roles, both as a straight laced judge and also as her sex obsessed, persistently undressed twin sister who undermines the judge’s position by looking exactly like her and starring in a midget porn adaptation of Snow White, while every man plays the exact same role of a leering, lecherous Tex Avery cartoon.

Shang Chi And The Legend Of The Ten Rings [IMAX]

A swirling contradiction as the film constantly disappoints, but does so by delivering scenes that are undeniably very cool before descending into some kind of Kung Fu Panda 3 pastiche.

Candyman

A sequel to the 90s Barker adaptation that trips over itself trying to slide a new story in so that it isn’t just a sequel and then ends with a twist that basically says ‘none of that matters, this is just a sequel to Candyman’. With the same name.

La moglie in vacanza... l'amante in città [His Wife On Holiday… His Lover In The City]

A successful Italian farce of infidelity and bed hopping that contains moments of genuine hilarity, though the finest of these is somebody taking a shit so hard they bring down the ceiling, so make of that what you will.