The Ape Is Dead, Long Live The Ape

Fifteen years, 2500 films. Time to call it a day.

The blog that is, I'll continue to find inventive ways of insulting shit movies over here https://boxd.it/9avPV

I'm not transferring 2500 reviews over there though, this will stay as long as blogger stays up I imagine, allowing you to read what terrible trash Charlotte was making me watch in 2012 as often as you want.

Thanks for the reads.

Robin Redbreast

The last film in the All The Haunts Be Ours boxset is a gem. Broadcast on TV in 1970, the mind boggles at how the average TV viewer would have reacted to the casual swerve in to ritual sacrifice at the end, I thought it was brilliant. 

Penda's Fen

More interested in dismantling British identity than exploring its pagan imagery.

Dune: Part Two

Quite the most incredible middle third of a movie I've ever seen. Part three now please.

The Nurse [The Sensuous Nurse]

Reminded me of Knives Out but only with all the whodunnit aspect removed and replaced by nakedness instead.

Mad Foxes

Words simply cannot describe this. Well, I lie, they can. But just one word, and that word is King.

Five Loose Women [Fugitive Girls]

All trashy good fun, but given the week's activities this stood in Policewomen's shade considerably.

Divinity

Wedged firmly in its own asshole.

Leviathan

A deep sea rip off of Alien that's gotten itself all confused and keeps on thinking it's a deep sea rip off of The Thing.

Dagon

Boils Lovecraft down to the basics of a soggy atmosphere, a lot of screaming and a whole bunch of surprise tentacles. I enjoyed it, but I'm glad it wasn't longer.

The Last Of Sheila

Needlessly complicated and whilst it was enjoyable watching all the carefully constructed mystery unravel, you were left with a much bigger mystery as to what the point of it all was.

Bait

Slow and intense. Didn't do a lot, but stayed with me nonetheless.

Night Of The Lepus

Tedious to a fault and massively stupid with its repeated shots of rabbits snuffling their way through a model village. Despite this the cast take it all incredibly seriously, just like they take the idea of Janet Leigh as a young mother seriously when she clearly looks about 124.

Invasion U.S.A.

Honestly can't get over just how blithely this guy rips off Jason Statham in this movie, it is beat for beat exactly the same shit, such arrogance! Unbelievable.

Aguirre, The Wrath Of God

A superb descent into megalomaniacal madness with Klaus Kinski trying to wildly stare down Mother Nature herself.

Message From Space

Silly nonsense that passes the time about a civilisation collecting warriors found by following eight seeds flung out across the infinite vastness of space, which for some reason all land on the same planet and are found by incorrigible wankers that you have to put up with for the rest of the movie.

Split Second

Did its very best with some inventive set dressing and a game/drunk Rutger Hauer. Still exactly the same as nearly every other futuristic movie made in 1992.

Hanzo The Razor: Sword Of Justice

Has a very high ratio of 'what the actual fuck am I watching?' moments in comparison to the number of actual minutes watched.

Convoy Busters

Weighed down by a very episodic structure that denies the audience some much needed catharsis, though this adds to the frustration felt by Merli's inconvenient cop which I guess is the point.

Policewomen

Knows exactly what it needs to be, and that is light frothy trashy fun with an occasional car slowly rolling down a hill before exploding. King.

Death Drug

Consistently hilarious anti drug propaganda stoked by the planetary sized ego of Tubbs from Miami Vice.

Flesh + Blood

Nothing more than Paul Verhoeven insisting that everything back in medieval times was all just rape, violence and mud. I'm sure he's correct, but it does not make for a fun movie.

The Boxer's Omen [Mo]

I've watched a lot of gross shit at Joefest, which in turn has boosted my tolerance for it, but I still struggled to handle blokes chewing on a chicken asshole then spitting it out for the next fellas to have a go on. Welcome to Joefest!

Fist Fighter

Upon much reflection I realised I couldn't sum this up better than Baulty when he said "It really makes you appreciate Van Damme movies".

Argylle

If you're concerned the trailer gives the ending of this away, then don't be, the beginning of the film does a much better job on that front. Handy because you'll be wanting to spend more time openly wincing at the utter fucking bilge on display than concerning yourself with plot twists.

The Holdovers

Beautifully bittersweet.

The Beekeeper

The most Jason Statham movie possible as he plays exactly the same character as in all his other movies only now he's utterly unbeatable in any situation and hilariously upfront about it at all times. King.

Anchoress

If you've ever been desperate to find out what a Tarkovsky film would be like if it starred eighties pop star Toyah Wilcox, then I have some great news for you.

The Quiet Earth

An excellent addition to the sub genre of 'last person on the planet' that slightly flubs its third act but makes up for it with a blinder of a final shot.

Nails

An unintentional laugh riot as Dennis Hopper plays and utterly unhinged cop who is so crazed that an unrecognisable Tomas Milian comes out of this as the normal looking one.

Murder Obsession

A late Giallo gem containing everything you'd want from this kind of thing, and then some.

The Zone Of Interest

The banality of evil has never been shown more clearly than this. Truly chilling.

Poor Things

Just incredible. Like nothing else and utterly brilliant. Emma Stone should win everything for this.

The Boy And The Heron [Kimitachi wa dô ikiru ka]

Miyazaki didn't have to come out of retirement and make an immediate classic that effortlessly ranks amongst his best, but he did and I'm immensely glad of it.

Gang War In Milan [Milano rovente]

So. Many. Whores.

Bloody New Year [Time Warp Terror/ Horror Hotel]

An extremely cheap and shoddy British rendition of both The Shining and The Evil Dead that relied on surprises which kept coming out of the most bizarre of places which in turn meant the biggest surprise was that this penniless dross ended up being kind of King. By far the most satisfying aspect was our accidentally timing of the start so that some mysterious spooky fireworks went off in the movie just as the clock struck twelve out in real life.