Talk To Me

Recent cinematic horror movie efforts have suggested that making a good one is apparently a pretty high bar to get over. This one deploys the usual cookie cutter tropes in a fresh way, minimises unnecessary exposition and demonstrates that the bar is still pretty low after all.

The Ultimate Warrior

Fairly wooden post apocalyptic nonsense livened up by Yul Brynner doing dumb shit but always being deadly fucking serious about it.

The Flash

Sets a new benchmark for dreary overwrought CGI smudges that have no understanding of what audiences might want from a superhero movie. There’s still plenty of discussion to be had about what exactly audiences do want from a superhero movie, but I think we can all agree that it’s definitely not this shit.

Never Too Young To Die

One of those films that brazenly demonstrates some of the worst attitudes of eighties Hollywood whilst making your brain cry as it desperately tries to conceive of any sensible reason why anybody would make a film like this.

Oppenheimer

Exactly the same as Nolan’s other movies i.e. utterly fantastic, but this one is presented as considerably more serious due to the presence of real life mass genocide and people having conversations in the buff.

Killer Contro Killers [Killer Vs. Killers/ Death Commando]

King. As. Fuck.

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One

Continues the themes of the last few, those being the little running man doing a shit ton of running, peril generated by things moving incredibly slowly and extras getting an undue amount of screen time before whipping a mask off and actually being Tom Cruise, and then improves on it with the addition of Hayley Atwell bringing a welcome light froth to it all.

Tale Of Tales

Struggles to tell a coherent story despite having three attempts at it, ironic given the title.

The Devil’s Honey [Divine Obsession]

Fulci attempts an erotic thriller that despite the non stop display of graphic nudity and people in distress, is neither erotic nor thrilling.

Blackenstein [The Black Frankenstein]

Stiff and lifeless.

Dead Or Alive: Final

I expected a third yakuza movie but Miike being Miike decided the third in his trilogy should be a dystopian future sci fi movie that he clearly doesn’t have the resources to create. Like he gives a shit though as he routinely goes about his business, filling the film with moments that make the jaw drop both for their brilliance and their insanity.