Ghostwatch

This Halloween I watched a BBC drama from the 90s that effortlessly delivers maximum Halloween chills whilst paving the way for so much of the mockumentary/found footage scares still to come.

Dark Night Of The Scarecrow

Distinctly made for TV and yet distinctly better than a lot of early eighties horror movies that got shat into theatres.

Secrets Of A Call Girl [Anna, quel particolare piacere/ Anna: The Pleasure, The Torment]

A lumpy soup of soapy melodrama and pimp slaps.

Noroi

A mockumentary about a journalist investigating strange happenings is used as an overlong setup for a brilliant fifteen minutes of found footage insanity at the end.

The Power

You know that cliched horror movie hospital thing where the spooky goings on are actually manifestations of hidden abuse from the past trying to be recognised and avenged? 

Well you don’t need to watch this movie then.

The Legend Of Hell House

Lots of spooky atmosphere, menacing vibe and sudden deaths all completely undone by a climax where the paranormal phenomena is dispelled by somebody mocking its height. Yes you read that correctly, the ghost went away because somebody called it short.

The Fear Of God: 25 Years Of ‘The Exorcist’ [The Festival Cut]

An old Kermode documentary with some extra interview pieces added in and from which the only new info I gleaned is that there’s almost as much time passed between now and this documentary as there was between the documentary and the movie itself.

The Gestapo’s Last Orgy [L'ultima orgia del III Reich/ Caligula Reincarnated As Hitler]

Deplorable film attempt that’s jam packed with atrocity and covered over with a vague stab at appropriating the plot of The Night Porter to try and justify it all.

The Dorm That Dripped Blood [Pranks/ Death Dorm]

A dreary slasher that whittles its paltry cast down to two survivors so one can say to the other “it’s me, i’m the killer” and there’s nobody left who really gives a fuck. Including the audience.

Coffy

A superb bit of cathartic vigilantism as a nurse casually fucks up dope dealers that fucked up her sister.

Sleepaway Camp [Nightmare Vacation]

With an ending as what the fuck as that, it really doesn’t matter how good or bad the preceding film was. Something that definitely works in its favour.

The Visitor [Stridulum]

An absolutely barking mix of space Omen, cosmic Exorcist, Rosemary’s astro-Baby and galactic Kes. Bonus points for slow motion defenestration as a climax to aggressive ice skating.

King.

Malevolent

Has a couple of good ideas embedded in a shambles of a script which is further hacked up by editing that’s in a rush to just get everything over and done with.

The French Dispatch

Wes Anderson uses the anthology format to tell three and half stories that all explore the niche genre known as Wes Anderson Movies.

Demons 5: The Devil’s Veil [La maschera del demonio/ The Mask Of Satan]

Bava jr thought it would be a good idea to remake Bava snr’s gothic masterpiece as a teenage ski trip, presumably to clearly demonstrate just how little film making ability he inherited from his dad. Unusually in comparison to the other ‘in name only’ Demons sequels, this one actually starts to feel like a Demons movie in the middle, but again this just shows how far away this shit is from being a remake of Mask Of Satan.

Midsommar [Director’s Cut]

With an extra twenty minutes reinstated, though I really couldn’t spot the extra bits and when I finished I couldn’t imagine it being any shorter because every minute is pure magnificence.

Dune: Part One [IMAX]

Villeneuve brings the full force of his film skills, ladling everything he’s learned whilst making the rest of his impressive filmography into this beast, creating a movie whose only real flaw is that it’s only half a movie.

Halloween Kills

Undoes the ending of the last one then treads water for ninety minutes before stopping without an ending of its own. Piss poor, almost as bad as the Busta Rhymes one. Almost.

The Beach House

Manages to hide the fact that its characters have absolutely nothing to do, and no way to combat their predicament, for a lot longer than you’d expect. Ace doom drones too.

Boogeyman

A forerunner in the bloodless PG-13 horror boom of the mid 2000s. I had forgotten how effective the scares could be in these films, I had also forgotten that the conclusion will invariably feature a bad CGI monster who will snarl and snap at the air but ultimately do nothing until banished.

H.P. Lovecraft's The Unnamable

The opening scene is a vague attempt at adapting Lovecraft’s story I suppose. The rest not so much.

Deadly Manor [Savage Lust]

Boring until the last ten minutes when everybody dies and the entire plot is forcibly shat out in one uncomfortable lump.

The Dead Are Alive! [L'etrusco uccide ancora/ The Etruscan Kills Again]

What a gem of shitness this is. An undeniably poor film but packed with acting so bad it bends space time, toe curling dialogue like “doesn’t the idea of an etruscan burial tomb turn you on?” or “If you think all this is going to have an effect on me well it has!” and a killer who instead of a knife uses a hollow metal pipe that clangs comedically every time it bludgeons a victim. So plenty to like about it too.

King.

Fear Street: Part One - 1994

The over use of music cues means this starts off feeling like a pub quiz 90s music intros round with a horror movie happening somewhere in the background, eventually though the pub quiz aspect fades away allowing you to focus on the real movie and the shocking twist that the pub quiz 90s music intros round was undeniably the best thing this movie has to offer.

Hostile

A woman in a post apocalyptic landscape must survive a night with a broken leg as she fends off attacks from an alien zombie mutant creature. This causes her to reminisce about how before the apocalypse she was a junkie saved by a rich, french art dealer who she fell in love with and married. And then, I shit you not, it is revealed that the monster is her husband and this fucking travesty ends with her hugging it and saying “I love you”. I don’t care that I just spoiled the ending because if it means you don’t watch it now, then I just did you a favour.

Paranormal Activity 4

Enjoying this is highly dependent on your tolerance for watching teenagers filming themselves watching films of themselves that they recorded earlier and then saying ‘what the fuck?’ at anything unusual.

Midnight Killer [Morirai a mezzanotte/ You’ll Die At Midnight/ Midnight Ripper]

An 80s love letter to all the 70s giallo movies that came before it.

Torture Garden

The cat was ok, the Hollywood robots were dull and the possessed grand piano was dumb as fuck. But Peter Cushing getting pissed on sherry was ace.

Revenge

A clear demonstration of the fine line between finding clever ways to get your protagonist out of dire predicaments and making up any old stupid bollocks because I guess that’ll do until the camera has another opportunity to ogle your protagonist’s ass.

V/H/S/94

Fourth in the anthology series maintaining themes set up in the other movies. So the wraparound story is incomprehensible like the first movie, the Found Footage rules are bent as much as possible like the third movie and just like the second movie Timo Tjahjanto’s segment stands a clear head and shoulders above the rest, blowing everything else clean out of the water.

Flight Of The Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane [Plane Dead]

Cheap shit about zombies on a plane something something, don’t care, it was fucking awful.

Hush

Woman with minimal back story fights off an assailant with zero story whatsoever and finally succeeds by using items that were shown prominently in the first scene.

Lake Mungo

If a week ago I’d been asked ‘what’s the cleverest spooky mockumentary you’ve seen’ I wouldn’t have had an answer. Well, I do now.

Ghost Rider

Mostly consists of Nicholas Cage fighting bad guys by turning into Ghost Rider, then standing still whilst a special effect decides who wins the fight. Spoiler, the winner is always Ghost Rider.

Body Count [Camping del terrore]

Sets up a first group of irritating teenagers and then suddenly leaps forward fifteen years to setup another group of irritating teenagers visiting a campsite built on an Indian burial ground just as a third group of teenagers arrive in a van, all of whom then get stabbed by a man in a rubber mask.