Empire Of Ash [Maniac Warriors/ Empire Of Ash 2]

A dire attempt at postnukesploitation, immediately doomed by the leafy Canadian setting and an absence of any form of exposition, made bearable by some occasional stunt work that could generously be described as ‘good effort’.

The Strange World Of José Mojica Marins [Maldito - O Estranho Mundo de José Mojica Marins]

A scant look at the career of a man who single handedly created Brazil’s biggest horror icon. Given that Coffin Joe became bigger over there than Dracula, it’s quite the surprise that they only manage 65 minutes of documentary on him, and 15 of those are Marins talking about a film where he got a woman to shag a dog. Still beggars can’t be choosers and until a better Coffin Joe documentary comes along, this’ll do.

The Eternal Evil Of Asia [Nam yeung sap dai che so]

Utterly insane gibberish. Includes a man whose head turns into a giant penis causing him to piss on his face, wizards who attack by flying through the air whilst violently rutting and a woman sucking on an invisible dick.

King. As. Fuck.

Zardoz

Trippy as fuck.

King.

Empire Of Ash III [Last Of The Warriors/ Empire Of Ash]

Shoddy, amateurish and contains a disproportionally high ratio of shots of people shooting at targets off camera compared to shots of things actually getting hit by bullets. Also contains four pairs of breasts, a car being driven off a cliff and a helicopter controlled by a very old computer plugged in to a rock. You win some, you lose some.

The Deadly Spawn

Cheap aliens and grotesque messy deaths.

The Brother From Another Planet

Sedate tale about an alien with a glowing hand that can fix arcade machines. Made superb by the pair of aliens, clearly rooted in the men in black of UFO lore, that hunt him through Harlem.

Alien Raiders

Cardboard shit where the majority of dialogue is delivered by people yelling whilst pointing guns at each other.

Atomic Rulers Of The World

Quaint sixties Japanese serial about a superhero whose main powers are shoving people, laughing sarcastically and jumping backwards on to things that are sometimes as much as eight feet high. Dull.

The Battle Wizard [Tian long ba bu]

Fucking insane Kung Fu nonsense about a bloke who must suck the blood of a giant rubber snake so he can kick the ass of a man named Yellow Robe Man, who walks about on giant metal chicken legs because his own were messily blown off by somebody firing a laser beam out of their finger.

Absolutely King.

Hercules

Awful as a film, but as series of escalating scenes of madness on a level that mere words can’t hope to convey, it’s brilliant. My favourite bit of madness is a toss up between either when Hercules throws a bear into space or when Hercules is described as the most intelligent man on Earth.
King.

Demon Empire [Joong-cheon/ The Restless]

The film immediately establishes there are demons out in the real world, making for exciting plot opportunities, and then promptly whisks the hero off to a supernatural realm where he stares bewilderingly at a crying woman for ninety fucking minutes.

Battle Of Algiers [La Battaglia di Algeri]

Powerful and everything, and I’m sure the fact that I felt like I was watching news reports from the sixties means it’s also a remarkable technical achievement, but it didn’t tickle my bones.

Jungle Burger [Tarzoon, la honte de la jungle/ Tarzoon: Shame Of The Jungle]

Dismal, puerile, but absolutely one of a kind, bollocks.

Wicked City [Yôjû toshi]

Once you strip away all the weird sex and exploding demons you’re left with a fairly basic movie about mismatched cops that have to look after an irritating little man. Like Lethal Weapon 3 only with added scenes where Danny Glover deep throats tentacles.

Redline

Joe described it best; Wacky races on MDMA.

Heavy Metal

A blundering attempt at adult animation comprised of a series of loosely linked short films with each one insistently featuring a glowing sphere, a moment of hideous gore and as much tits as possible to hammer home the notion that this is meant to be adult.

Blood Beat

Entirely incomprehensible nonsense about a boy who brings his girlfriend home to meet his family, but she keeps orgasming every time the local undead samurai warrior kills somebody and so in response the boy’s mum stares at a painting so hard that everybody’s hands start glowing.

The Nightingale

An exceptionally gruelling lecture on the evils of colonialism with a dithering ending that fails to justify the level of brutality required to get there.

Slugs [Slugs, muerte viscosa]

Attempts to make working in sanitation exciting and slugs threatening and is successful in neither. However it is successful in portraying people slowly liquifying as they thrash about on top of docile invertebrates, and for that reason is King.

Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn

Less of a film, more something that happened on a cinema screen whilst I was present.

Mr and Mrs Kabal’s Theatre [Théâtre de Monsieur & Madame Kabal)

Stiff, black and white, eastern european animation. The kind of thing that had charm when it was five minutes long and found randomly cluttering TV schedules of yesteryear, cropping up between shoddy soap operas and local news, but is gruelling and dull when it’s eighty minutes long with absolutely no narrative whatsoever.