Silver Linings Playbook

 
First impressions suggest that this is an attempt to subvert romantic comedies with a broad sweep of the mental illness brush. Turns out it's actually an attempt to subvert drama about mental illness by turning it into a romantic comedy.
 

Parasomnia

 

The writer/director of this disaster bravely chose to step outside of the Hollywood system and self finance the film, presumably because anybody with money who was shown the hopelessly retarded script told him to fuck off.

 

The Long Good Friday

 
Bob Hoskins gets progressively angrier as his chips get progressively more pissed on.
 

Hellraiser: Hellworld

 
An attempt to post-modernise Hellraiser via clumsy use of the internet swiftly gives way to standard, cliched teens dying at a party bollocks. Pinhead occasionally crops up and looks mildly embarassed then the whole thing ends in a sudden spunk of illogical nonsense.
I'm almost at the bottom of the barrel, one more to go.
 

Zombie 108 [Z108 qi cheng]

In the middle of a film about a woman who manages to run in to two serial killers amongst an incomprehensibly edited zombie outbreak, the director uses a demented pervert who rapes a woman with an octopus as a mouthpiece to denounce art-house films as boring. Yeah well, at least they're not mind shatteringly stupid.
What a twat.

The Master

 
Consumption & carnality battle against conviction & conditioning to form a stunning portrait of the constant struggle that is being human.
 

The Haunted Mansion

 
A film based on a theme park ride starring Eddie Murphy. Despite the low expectations generated by such a description I was still amazed at how astonishingly shit the film managed to be. I can only assume that Murphy cries every time he catches sight of himself in a mirror these days.
 

Hercules

James Woods' Hades is the only thing that shines as he surfs a wave of mediocre triteness stolen from a catalogue of sources none of which appear to be the original Greek myth.
Charlotte got her first taste of the cinematic disappointment that will plague the rest of her film watching life as she exclaimed "Why isn't Hercules doing the tasks? Why have they turned it into a dumb love story?", though she did provide the best moment of the film when she furiously exploded at the end with "What idiot gives up being a God for a girl?"
I am so proud.

The Roost

 
Early Ti West film that strives against its low budget to show the kernel of what he is capable of, unfortunately rendered barely watchable by a fucking annoying, over-enthusiastic, screechy soundtrack.

Tokyo Story [Tôkyô monogatari]

 
A deliberately sedate study of family, mortality and crushing disappointment, with every slow-paced scene loaded with unspoken poignancy.
 

The Illusionist [L'illusionniste]

 
Tommy Cooper meets Aeon Flux.
 

Hansel And Gretel [Henjel Gwa Geuretel]

A man gets ensnared in an extended Korean version of Joe Dante's Twilight Zone segment with a few additional dark fairytale trappings thrown about.

The Emperor's New Groove 2: Kronk's New Groove

 
Poorly animated follow up that attempts to replicate the beats of the original and succeeds roughly twice.
Charlotte was quick to dismiss it.