Friday The 13th [2009 Remake]

Not actually a remake, more a modern sequel. Does the job, but difficult not to view it as a series of squandered opportunities.
Why do a remake that brings nothing new to the table?

Porco Rosso [Kurenai no buta]

Charlotte's first Miyazaki. Impossible to describe without using words like "beautifully crafted" and "magical", so I won't try.

Ju-On: The Grudge 2

This is the fourth Grudge movie I've seen, and whilst the structure and plot are now very tired, the scares still shit me up terribly.
It's like constantly being told the same joke, but every telling has a different punchline that still manages to crack you up.

Dark Tales Of Japan [Suiyô puremia: sekai saikyô J horâ SP Nihon no kowai yoru]

Extremely cheaply made portmanteau effort from a bunch of J-Horror directors. Stand out by a long way is Takashi Shimizu (The Grudge) poking fun at himself with 'Blonde Kwaidan'. The rest range from OK to slightly dull.
There is the best ghost I've seen for a long while in one of them.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Craven succeeds in making another good Nightmare. Partly through the use of clever post modern reinvention but mostly by making Freddy wear a trenchcoat, which demonstrates that making a good Nightmare movie isn't exactly an uphill struggle.
So why does everyone else find it so fucking difficult?

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

High Points:
1) A quote from Nietzsche at the beginning.
2) A boy being hit in the face with a piece of wood, causing him to fly through the air and slam through a dining room table into another plane of reality.

Low Points:
1) Everything else.

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 5: The Dream Child

This wasn't as bad as I remembered.
This is in much the same sense as if I picked up an ice cube and said "Oh, not as cold as I remembered."

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 4: The Dream Master

I see. The deal is bring back Freddy in an entirely preposterous manner (fire pissing dog, no less) and we all make lots of money.
No, that last bit is wrong, the film studio makes a lot of money, we just get an opportunity to sneer at Renny Harlin's laughable attempt to make a film. I'd have preferred money, but I guess the sneering will do.

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 3: Dream Warriors

The Nightmare that sets in place many of the hallmarks that proliferate through the later films in the series.
Hallmarks such as the huge money laden FX dream sequences, Freddy's constant wisecracking and the involuntary cheering at the untimely death of teenagers.

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge

Godawful bollocks with a main character who's facial features unfortunately resemble an upset bowling ball.
Makes you appreciate how skillful Wes Craven was actually being when he made the first one.
If you could abort dog shit it would resemble this film.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Expert meshing of 'reality' and dream logic that still succeeds in jangling the old nerve, assuming you're able to pretend you don't know who Freddy Kreuger is for a little while.

Brüno

Incredible.

The 'laughing to the point of pain whilst watching through your fingers' type of incredible.

[Rec]

Better than Quarantine, but still basically a crap Cloverfield. In Spanish.

Quarantine

Basically a crap Cloverfield.

Public Enemies

Identically attired gentleman, who all look and act identically, shooting a lot of guns across a variety of scenes that come off as almost identical.
Boring.

Les Yeux Sans Visage [Eyes Without a Face]

Austere ghost story where the ghost is unfortunately still alive. The poor thing is then further marginalised by a mad doctor who cuts the faces off of pretty girls. Brilliant.

The Last House On The Left [2009 Remake]

Even though the rough edges of the squalidly brutal original have been smoothed over, this film is still surprisingly uncomfortable viewing even by modern standards.
Well done.