Don’t Worry Darling

A clumsy fumble of a much better movie that’s still vaguely discernible in infrequent moments.

Glorious

Another horror film set entirely in a toilet, and unsurprisingly it’s shit just like the contents of a toilet.

Crimes Of The Future

A greatest hits that references Cronenberg’s entire career from his early beginnings with a film of the same name, through the politicizing of genetic mutation in Scanners, the sexualisation of wounds in Crash, the fleshy technology of Existenz, the constant presence of Viggo Mortenson from History Of Violence onwards, and the insistent recontextualisation of Twilight actors that began in Cosmopolis. It also managed to turn my stomach and I had to get some air half an hour in.

What Became Of Jack And Jill? [Romeo and Juliet '71]

An unusual diversion for Amicus who abandon their usual supernatural hijinx for this mean spirited foray into youth rebellion movies, only without the crutch of their usual campy spooks, spectres and spirits this ends up just being plain old mean.

Smile Before Death [Il sorriso della iena]

This one really does have everything you want from this kind of thing. No waiting for the first death, the film literally starts with a woman clutching her bloodied throat. Lashings of sleaze courtesy of a nude photography subplot and a wardrobe department that’s ninety percent short skirts. An ending that genuinely surprises and makes you want to watch it all again immediately. This thing is King.

A White Dress for Marialé [Un bianco vestito per Marialé/ Spirits Of Death]

There’s no real mystery here, the prologue lets you know clearly who the most damaged character is, and the deaths don’t really begin stacking up till a good hour in. So, is such an unconventional Giallo worth a watch? Yeah, cos it’s fucking bonkers.

Hellraiser: Judgment

A dead horse that’s been flogged so much it no longer resembles a horse. Or being dead given how everybody seems utterly unable to stop churning this shit out and I seem utterly unable to stop watching them.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers [Nightmare Vacation 2]

Silly slasher that baffled me because I couldn’t tell the adult camp counsellors from the identically dressed and similarly aged campers.

Candy Land

This is a really good character study of truck stop sex workers that descends into maniacal stabbings, however allowing it to descend into maniacal stabbings seemed a shame because it was under-playing some serious film making talent that could have been used to make a far stronger movie. And saying that makes me feel old, since when did I prefer character study to maniacal stabbing? Shake my damn head at myself.

Dark Glasses [Occhiali Neri]

This isn’t really a modern Giallo at all, it’s really just Giallo by association because it’s an Argento movie with a bunch of killings in it and that’s good enough for people who fondly remember him setting the Giallo template half a century ago. Of course none of this matters, what matters is has Argento managed to make a good film (because he last managed that but a quarter of a century ago) and… yes, he has.

Lola

Found footage movies are usually set in an era where recording devices are ubiquitous in order to facilitate excuses for the film makers shot choice, so it’s a very brave move to set one in the 1940s and very impressive that this is as successful as it is.

She Came From The Woods

It would have been preferable for everybody if She had just stayed in the woods then none of us would have had to sit through this asinine slab of wank.

Something In The Dirt

Another superb incursion into a world set up by Moorhead & Benson back in Resolution. They can revisit this crazy shit as much as they want, I can’t envisage ever tiring of it.

Mad God

If you’ve ever asked yourself what a feature length Tool music video would be like, well here’s your answer. And if you were expecting the answer to be anything other than ‘a really long Tool music video’ then you’re gonna be disappointed, something I absolutely was not. 

Vlees [Meat]

It was really arty and I didn’t understand it in the slightest.