Death Wish [2018 Remake]

Look, I’m not saying this is a good movie because it’s not, it’s distinctly average. What I am saying is that it’s far, far better than I expected a late period Bruce Willis adaptation of a Michael Winner movie directed by Eli Roth to realistically be, because I expected it to be complete shit.

Rabid [2019 Remake]

(Frightfest Day 5)
A passionate love letter to David Cronenberg, a reverent adaptation of his second movie and an original movie that could only come from the Soskas all happening at the same time, which can sometimes be a bit much but top marks for ambition.

Child's Play [2019 Remake]

Fun romp that would have been even more fun if it didn't have the trappings of a 30 year old movie randomly strewn about it.

Suspiria [2018]

Only Argento can make Argento's Suspiria so Guadagnino wisely positions his Suspiria far from Argento's so it can flourish as its own magnificently demented beast.

Death Note [2017 Remake]

(Frightfest Day 1)
The first act effectively streamlines the ludicrously complex storyline of the original film, the second act muddles all the characters and the third act shits the bed. But with style.

The Karate Kid [2010 Remake]

Trapped in a rundown hotel room with a fuzzy tv loaded with the most basic of digital channels, I found myself sitting stoney faced through this unecessary remake of throwaway eighties fluff. On the upside if I hadn't I would never have seen that poster with its deeply unfortunate placement of Jackie Chan's face.

Ghost In The Shell [2017 Remake] [IMAX 3D]

Reduces the philosophical complexity of the original to an oversimplified 'who am I really?' plot whilst amplifying the visual astonishment of the original to a retina shredding glory, which is all welcome from where I'm sitting.
A quick perusal at the level of internet twattery that has sprang up around this and the fact that it's acting like sand under the foreskin for a bunch of cretinous cunts makes me like it even more.

Silent House

Shot for shot remake of a one shot movie.

Blood Feast [2016 Remake]

(Frightfest Day 3)
It's not out of the ordinary to expect a remake to be inferior to the original but when the original is Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood Feast then it's going to take considerable effort to muster something worse. So congratulations to all involved in this disaster for their truly exceptional effort.

Ghostbusters [2016 Remake]

Doesn't deserve the hate, but still not great.
You can keep that for your next rap battle. No, no need to thank me.

Rabid Dogs [Enragés]

(Frightfest Day 3)

A sleek crime thriller that appears to be out of place at a Horror festival until the last two minutes. Two minutes that also manage to elevate this really good film into a great one.

Come Out And Play

Mexican shot for shot reproduction of the superior Who Can Kill A Child? demonstrating that America isn't the only country that feels the need to punt out unecessary remakes.

We Are What We Are [2013 Remake]

 

The brash, hysterical chaos of the original is stripped away in favour of an incessant downbeat tone and an ending that appears to suggest it's not the eating of human flesh that's the real issue here, more how it's cooked and presented.

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

 

A slasher movie that has ambitions to be far more. It's not entirely successful but amongst all the eye-rolling it illicits, the ever present aspiration should be applauded.

Nosferatu The Vampyre [Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht]

 

Faithful remake of the original, only now also bleak as fuck.

Oldboy [2013 Remake]

 

Spike Lee strips away Chan-wook Park's idiosyncratic bombast but fails to replace it with any flair of his own leaving a bland mush.

 

Pusher [2012 Remake]

 

A bland, British approximation of a far superior film.

Orbital turn in a decent soundtrack though.

 

Evil Dead

Fucks it up within the first five minutes as you're presented with the type of catastrophic bollocks that Cabin In The Woods ripped the piss out of so well. From there it's a parade of cookie-cutter scary girls, brain bludgeoning loud noises and mangled, shattered internal logic. There's also the occasional appearance of motifs that remind you this is all based on a much, much, much better film.

The Stepfather [2009 Remake]

 

A new version of the eighties classic with the focus of the story shifted from the original made for TV, true life drama style plotting to instead simply being a showcase for Amber Heard in a bikini.

 

Total Recall [2012 Remake]

 
It seems that halfway through somebody forgot that they were remaking Total Recall and began remaking I Robot instead, rendering this a nonsensical version of the original stripped of all ambiguity but with really nice production design.