Mother Of Tears: The Third Mother [ La terza madre]

I know it must be hard to create a second sequel to a movie. Even more so if that movie is one that defines your entire career. And even more so if you're trying to do this thirty years after the first movie. And even more so if in the intervening thirty years you've entirely forgotten how to make a good movie. And even more so if you're insistent on casting your daughter who just cannot fucking act in the main role. And yet with all of that in mind it's still difficult to see this film as anything other than an unfortunate skidmark on a great director's career.

The Five Days [Le cinque giornate]

Argento’s only foray outside of the horror genre shows he has a surprisingly deft touch at comedy. Handy because he struggles to maintain an interesting narrative when he’s unable to kill somebody every twenty minutes. Still better than you think it will be though.

Dark Glasses [Occhiali Neri]

This isn’t really a modern Giallo at all, it’s really just Giallo by association because it’s an Argento movie with a bunch of killings in it and that’s good enough for people who fondly remember him setting the Giallo template half a century ago. Of course none of this matters, what matters is has Argento managed to make a good film (because he last managed that but a quarter of a century ago) and… yes, he has.

Trauma

None of Argento’s prior movies insisted you take them seriously, which meant no matter how barmy things got, they still entertained. The big error here is spending the first forty minutes insisting that this is now taken very seriously indeed, because Argento’s highlighting the problems of anorexia, something that should not be considered lightly. And this means that later on when somebody is listening to words whispered by a freshly decapitated head you’ve got to try and take that seriously as well, and you can’t. Because it’s fucking stupid.

Dawn Of The Dead: The Argento Cut [Zombie]

Fascinating insight into how editing and score can affect a movie. It would appear that rather than fiddle with Romero’s cut, Dario Argento has assembled this from original elements which means despite the fact this is exactly the same Dawn Of The Dead, it feels like a completely different film with alternate takes, dialogue and score used throughout. Most interesting is that it no longer feels like a Romero movie, despite the fact that it is.

The Card Player [Il cartaio]

Without a doubt one of the most irredeemably stupid things I have ever watched.

Opera [Terror At The Opera]

Some of Argento's films are made by 'genius Argento', he's the guy who brings the wild fits of visual invention, the incredible displays of sadistic violence and the weird unreal dream like qualities draped nonchalantly across absolutely everything. Some of his films are made by 'shit Argento', the guy responsible for all the fucking excruciating dialogue, the laughably nonsensical plotting, the grating self reference and the total and undeniable lack of any form of  control over the entire film making process.
Most unusually, this one is made by both of them at the same time.

Phenomena

After an unbroken run of excellent Giallos alongside an unbroken run of excellent supernatural horror movies Argento was clearly stuck as to which he should make next, so he tried to make both at the same time and succeeded in neither. And yet despite this it's still easily my second favourite movie featuring a homicidal simian. Yes, second favourite.

Giallo

Argento succeeds in emulating the shoddy editing, stilted dialogue and nonsensical plotting of classic Giallo whilst also giving things a modern edge by using digital photography to make it all look flat and stupid.

Meanwhile Adrien Brody gives proceedings an edge of hilarity by radiating a clear, intense disdain for everything going on around him. Here's my favourite as Brody responds to a particularly woeful edit;

 

 

 

Do You Like Hitchcock? [Ti piace Hitchcock?]

 

A film student suspects that a local murder has been inspired by the plot of a Hitchcock movie, he then tediously wanders about an Italy populated by English people and refuses to have sex with his girlfriend until he's proven right. Well done, film student.

 

The Stendhal Syndrome [La sindrome di Stendhal]

The inability to control the tone of a movie can be useful when making flashy, over-stylised Giallo, not so much if you're trying to create a thoughtful examination of the emotional fallout experienced by a double rape victim. Ignorant and unnecessarily cruel.

Dracula di Dario Argento

 

A typically flat Italian Hammer clone with occasional bursts of Argento insanity that made me both laugh out loud and clap my hands like a child.

Despite the poster Dracula never changes into a bat, he does at one point however choose to appear as a ten foot praying mantis, which I imagine would make for a far, far better poster.

 

Two Evil Eyes [ Due occhi diabolici]

 
A pair of adaptations; Romero turns Poe into a Tales From The Crypt episode whilst Argento turns Poe into a thunderous avalanche of hyper-stylised illogic.
 

Four Flies On Grey Velvet [4 mosche di velluto grigio]

Argento steps back up to the plate for film number three with a funk drummer as the main character, an explanation of the title that is as brilliant as it is tenuous and camera work that on occasion made me gasp in wonder (best falling down stairs sequence EVER).
As for the ending, well. This is how films should end.

Cat O' Nine Tails [Il gatto a nove code]

Argento plays safe and dull with his second film, coming off like an extended episode of 'Murder She Wrote' with Jessica Fletcher played by both a handsome, wooden reporter and a blind man with a pet child.

Inferno

Argento wins again by abandoning all coherence and hastily inventing a mythology to contain a series of vignettes where everything is hopelessly over stylised and somebody always dies horribly.
King.

Suspiria

Argento's masterpiece wherin he takes his three V's (Vivid primary colours, Volume of synth work and Violence toward pretty girls) and pushes them to a sanity defying extreme.

Deep Red [Profondo Rosso]

Five brilliantly demented, hyper stylish deaths soundtracked by some quite outrageous synth funk.
The lengthy gaps between deaths are filled with a bizarre battle-of-the-sexes detective adventure story that makes little sense, but is soundtracked by some quite outrageous synth funk.

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage [L'uccello dalle piume di cristallo]

Like some bizarre hybrid of Hitchcock and Friday the 13th, in which the central character spends the entire movie trying to remember something he saw, whilst all around him pretty girls are murdered.
Total fucking genius.

Tenebrae [Tenebre]

Typically spectacular Argento fiasco.
Appears to be the result of a controlled laboratory experiment investigating the fusion of vivid primary colours, extensive synth workouts and outrageous death.