Nobody

Starts off all fun but then definitely shits the bed somewhere along the way, although I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where giving the lasting impression that it just shits the bed really slowly throughout.

Cry Of A Prostitute [Quelli che contano]

A scuzzy mafia take on Yojimbo spiced with moments that suddenly sail off into the gruesome for no real reason.

Planet Of The Vampires [Terrore nello spazio]

Should be hokum with its cardboard sets, tacky models and bikers leathers instead of costumes but takes itself deadly serious at all times, uses ingenious camera trickery and generates an air of dissonant weirdness and mild dread.

Crazy Desires Of A Murderer [I vizi morbosi di una governante/ Gli occhi verdi della morte/ The Morbid Habits of the Governess]

An extremely dull Agatha Christie pastiche with some unusual attempts to enliven things such as the random heroin smuggling subplot, the game of charades that involves couples openly shagging whilst everybody else guesses what movie they’re representing in coitus or the bit where a bloke wanks a lit candle before shoving it up some poor girls chuff.

The Murder Mansion [La mansión de la niebla/ Maniac Mansion]

A group of strangers mysteriously convene at a mansion that none of them can escape because of the mysterious fog that shrouds it. Mysteriously one of the strangers actually owns the mansion, but hasn’t lived there for some time due to mysterious circumstances, and as the strangers bed down for the night a number of mysterious occurrences beset them culminating in some mysterious murders. Eventually a pair of meddling kids uncover the mystery and discover that actually everything was so mysterious simply to cover up the fact that the reality of what was going on doesn’t make one iota of fucking sense. 

Autopsy [Macchie solari/ Sun Spots/ The Victim/ The Magician/ Tension]

A must watch Giallo, not because it’s a good movie - it’s awful, but because it’s full of gob smackingly weird shit. Like the crime museum with an entire floor dedicated to full scale reconstructions of people committing suicide by shooting themselves in the face. Or a woman’s boyfriend saying “you can’t blame the poor bastard for trying” after she fends off an attempted rape with a fork. Or the stress hallucination where corpses rise up of mortuary slabs and stiltedly dry hump each other. This film is fucked up.

King Kong vs. Godzilla [Kingu Kongu tai Gojira]

The fights here are clearly a lot shitter than the new version, amounting to little more than men in suits half heartedly throwing polystyrene rocks at each other, but holding the plot up against the new version now reveals a masterpiece of broad comedy attacking society’s willingness to leave common sense at the door if there’s going to be a massive scrap taking place. I’m not saying this is a good movie, just taking the opportunity to hammer home just how fucking dire the new one is.

Godzilla vs. Kong

Fucking awful nonsense that depicts how I’m meant to give more of a shit about just how sad a little deaf girl is as she follows her giant monkey round the world, rather than the colossal level of genocide that occurs wherever it goes. Compounded by the usual cardboard human characters, the usual contrived imbecilic plotting and the usual disregard for basic geography that comes along with these things.