The Spine Of Night

Crude 2D animation that tells a story of a magic flower and people being brutally hacked to pieces in sword fights but does so across a series of separate smaller stories, each one about a magic flower and people being brutally hacked to pieces in sword fights, which are all drawn together by a linking story that’s just characters saying ‘that was the last bit, here’s the next bit’.

Death Wish [2018 Remake]

Look, I’m not saying this is a good movie because it’s not, it’s distinctly average. What I am saying is that it’s far, far better than I expected a late period Bruce Willis adaptation of a Michael Winner movie directed by Eli Roth to realistically be, because I expected it to be complete shit.

Bullet Train

Yo, the 90s called, they want their movie back. Wait, no, they were just kidding they’re actually happy to be rid of it, you can keep it. Now the 90s are laughing at your pathetic attempt to present their movie to modern audiences. Cackling in fact. And whooping for breath. I think one of the 90s just passed out.

From Beyond The Grave

The last of Amicus' quintessentially british portmanteau horrors. One of the best with David Warner doing Hellraiser in miniature, Donald Pleasance and his daughter being weird as fuck, a no nonsense British Exorcist and the cleverest twist Amicus ever managed. And yet despite all of this greatness it’s all dwarfed by Peter Cushing’s central performance as a sinister antiques dealer. King.

Deadlier Than The Male

A fake Bond movie that is based on a character that inspired Fleming’s Bond novels and considerably more fun than most real Bond movies.

Wake In Fright

A teacher has the shittest six week summer holiday possible, which isn’t something I particularly want to see right now. And the massive amount of kangaroo death made me queasy. So no, not for me.

High Desert Kill

Distinctly made for TV, but that doesn’t stop this from being an incredibly neat oddity that starts like a hunting trip gone wrong movie before swerving into an everybody losing their mind movie and then screeching to a halt in the middle of a humans struggling to comprehend an unfathomable alien intelligence movie.

King.

Revenge Of The Ninja

The second in Cannon’s Ninja trilogy is appalling, far worse than the already shoddy as fuck Enter The Ninja. But then it also features a 6 year old ninja scrapping with grown ups and winning, a whole bunch of outrageous gory deaths and an impressive attempt to kill a lady by chaining her in to a hot tub and then turning it up to maximum bubbles. So definitely worth a watch.

We’re The Millers

Look, I’m not going to lie, I watched it because Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper. Was Jennifer Aniston good as a stripper? Yes. Was it a good movie? No. Am I proud of myself? Not in the slightest.

Thor: Love And Thunder

Christian Bale delivers one of Marvel’s finest villains, spitting pure anger at everything. I couldn’t decide if he was most angry at having to endure Guns ‘n’ Roses greatest hits, being stuck in a film that exasperatingly insists on taking the piss out of itself or realising that Thor’s fourth outing should have been called Thour.

Nitram

A slow burn character study combined with a horrific real life tragedy denouement makes for an impactful gut punch of a movie.

Dark Tower [Demons 7: The Inferno]

Tedious shit about a haunted tower block which appears to have been made solely so producers could use up the stock footage of an elevator shaft that makes up roughly 70% of this movie. Marketed in Japan as the seventh Demons movie simply because it has a tower block in it like Demons 2 did.

The Heroin Busters [La via della droga]

A score by Goblin, plenty of shooting guns round corners and a plane flying under a bridge mean this is all entertaining enough but nowhere near as great as The Big Racket was.

Jurassic World Dominion

Argues with itself over whether it wants to be Jurassic World 3 or Jurassic Park 4 before finally attempting to be Jurassic Park 6, only it fucks it up by also being utter bollocks for its entire duration.

Men

Starts like a one man League Of Gentlemen, ends like Cronenberg interpreting Arthur Machen. Brilliant.