Gemini Man

The cinematic equivalent of a disinterested shrug. Could have been saved simply by having the two Will Smith’s simultaneously shout ‘oh hell no’ and then quizzically stare at each other, but no. Never mind.

Wounds

Confused bollocks that manages to forget what story it’s telling roughly every 15 minutes and starts a new one instead.

The Day Shall Come

Not Morris’ finest hour, mainly because the lunacy of reality now eclipses the craziest shit that he’s able to dream up.

Burial Ground [Le notti del terrore/ Nights Of Terror]

Fucking awful Italian zombie shit, the scariest bit being when a 13 year old boy, played by a man with dwarfism who’s clearly in his mid twenties, tries to shag his mum.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie

An unnecessary but thoroughly enjoyable coda.

The Lighthouse

If Bergman had made Lovecraft stories. Fucking awesome.

Jojo Rabbit

The last place you’d expect to find heartwarming hilarity is in a tale of the Hitler youth movement at the end of World War 2, and yet here we are.

Joker

The story of how a mentally ill clown who laughs at inappropriate things becomes a mentally ill clown who laughs at inappropriate things whilst arguing with a man dressed as a bat.

The Coming Of Sin [La visita del vicio/ Vice Makes A Visit/ The Violation Of The Bitch/ Sodomia]

Intensely dull bit of smut with an ending that puts you in mind of a wounded animal being put out of its misery.

Eraserhead

David Lynch’s Tim Burton movie.

Ad Astra

I can’t quite decide whether to make a joke about how the over reliance on dad issues means Dad Astra would be a more applicable name, or a joke about how this is basically Apocalypse Now 2: IN SPACE, or a joke about the scene with the space baboons, or a joke about how such a ponderous attempt at a serious film made me think of so many jokes. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

EDIT: Two weeks late I now realise i should have simply just written ‘Mad Bad Sad Dad Astra’. A missed opportunity.

In The Aftermath

An anime titled Angel's Egg that, due to worries that it would be incomprehensible to Western audiences, has been heavily re-edited, badly re-dubbed and clumsily stuffed into some very cheap live action footage filmed in an abandoned power station, the result being it is now incomprehensible to all audiences.

It Chapter Two

A series of jump scares tell the now grown up kids of the first movie that they must meet up once more to have a jump scare. Then they all split up so they can each remember a jump scare from the past whilst also experiencing a jump scare in the present day at the same time. Then they meet up again for another jump scare before heading underground and once more splitting up for a variety of jump scares. Commendable as a ghost train, piss poor as a movie.

Vampyres [Blood Hunger/ Daughters Of Dracula/ Satan's Daughter]

A tale of lesbian vampires that is clearly lacking any budget for transformation sequences, torn flesh effects or even some fake fangs and so simply ramps up the amount of graphic sex and fake blood instead. King.

Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films

A nostalgia trip through the video shelves of my childhood made difficult to watch by a documentary approach that’s similar to a child with ADHD on a sugar rush trying to tell you about a day out at a theme park.