Brawl In Cell Block 99

Has a similar pace to Bone Tomahawk, but unlike Bone Tomahawk this pace is also applied to its escalation of violence allowing for a supremely over the top but extremely cathartic climax. Lovely to see Udo Kier doing menacing slime once again too.

Phantasm: Ravager

Strains with all its might against its low budget, the inescapable aging of the cast and the increasing lunacy of the plot in order to provide a closure with both spectacle and poignancy. Just about makes it too.

Hotel Artemis

All the right ingredients for a great movie fumbled together into a distinctly average one.

Top Sensation [The Seducers]

A film about rich people on a boat indiscriminately fucking each other on rotation until they get to an island whose only population is a shepherd, his wife and his goat, so the rich people fuck them too. Even the goat.

Chappie

Tries to be two conflicting movies at the same time until a third act twist reveals a third really good movie hidden away, but just as you're thinking 'I could do with 90 minutes of this', it ends.

The Incredibles 2

Casually skips across a bar set high by the original then nudged higher by fourteen more years of superhero movies.

Phantasm IV: Oblivion

Incomprehensible fourth entry made by cleverly inserting footage discarded from the first three movies into footage that should have been discarded from this one.

Tag

Mostly made up of people running in slow motion to chunky nineties Hip Hop, something I would happily watch for many, many, many hours.

Unlike that poster which makes me want to look away the moment my eye catches that freakishly weird approximation of Jeremy Renner.

Phantasm III: Lord Of The Dead

Ice cream man loses an adult that acts like a child but finds a child who acts like an adult, a woman who doesn't want to know and a friendly ball/dead brother. Then everybody gets involved in a massive zombie fight with a fuck-ton of killer spheres dangling about and The Tall Man intensely staring at things before it all collapses in an absolutely batshit lunatic ending. May well be my favourite so far.

Ocean's Eight

A film so forgettable I couldn't even remember to hunt out a little picture of the poster and stick it up here next to some pithy shit about how the title gives away the third act twist.

Don't Torture A Duckling [Non si sevizia un paperino].

In which Fulci weaves a completely coherent narrative around his trademark madness, gore and bad taste making for an absolutely fantastic Giallo, and now I know he's capable of making such a good film it makes all his other shit I've sat through frustratingly worse.

Hereditary

All the right kinds of wrongness.

Grown Ups

Like any teenager, mine has done plenty any parent would disapprove of, but this time she's crossed the line with an ultimate act of teenage rebellion. Which wasn't forcing me to sit through this asinine heap of fucking awful, painfully unfunny shit, no, it was proudly telling me that this was the best movie she's ever seen. She's dead to me now.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Feature length adaptation of three lines of dialogue from another movie which at its best is redundant and at its worst is embarassing as it parades a barrage of pathetic cloying attempts to ingratiate itself with the larger saga.

The teenager shot it down with 'Non stop impossible to escape situations, none of which are actually impossible to escape because he can't die till Kylo Ren stabs him' demonstrating that my apples don't fall far from the tree.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

A shining example of the worst crimes of modern cinema, those being distractingly inconsistent physics, laughably unecessary plot twists and placing most of the ending in the film's trailer.