The Last House On Dead End Street [The Cuckoo Clocks Of Hell/The Fun House]

A whole bunch of seedy, grimy, misguided attempts at artistic statement butchered into incomprehensibility.

Rabies [Kalevet]

 

A riot of bad decision making leads to a wildly inventive interpretation of the Slasher movie. Impressive for a debut, but even more impressive as an entire country's first horror film.

 

Dressed To Kill

 

An unusual blend of eighties whiz-kid sleuthing and Argento stalk 'n' slash that begins with wanking in a shower and ends with a teenage boy grinning warmly at his new whore mum.

 

Visiting Hours [Get Well Soon]

 

Has a few splendid moments of madness but refuses to fully commit to any of them.

 

Runaway Train

 

Roberts is appalling. DeMornay is appalling. Voight ends up just yelling and shouting at everything in a weird voice. The train was pretty good.

 

Ebola Syndrome [Yi boh lai beng duk]

 

A psychotic, rapey version of the incredible hulk gets pissed on (both literally and metaphorically) before giving everybody Ebola. By no means a good film but a fucking ace way to start Joefest.

Cruise Of The Gods

Rob Brydon acts like a twat to everyone and then has the revelation that actually he's a bit of a twat. I expected better from all concerned.

The Lego Movie [3D]

 

Frequently hilarious. Constantly inventive. Absolutely brilliant.

John Tucker Must Die

 

A weak Mean Girls.

 

Mr. Peabody & Sherman [3D]

 

Fun.

Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night

 

I spent most of this trying to come up with something pithy to describe how astonishingly shit it is, but failed due to constantly being distracted by how fucking awful Brandon Routh is at acting.

 

The Case Of The Bloody Iris [Perché quelle strane gocce di sangue sul corpo di Jennifer?/What Are Those Strange Drops Of Blood On Jennifer's Body?]

 

A fashion model is trying to distance herself from an ex-husband who is the head of a sex cult (sample dialogue: "I don't want to sleep with other men, that's why I had to leave you"), so she and a friend move in to an apartment where the previous occupants have been recently murdered.

She must then avoid being killed whilst tangling with the predatory lesbian next door, the old lady down the hall who reads gory horror comics and a police detective who loves stamp collecting.

Mental.

The Seventh Continent [Der Siebente Kontinent]

 

Haneke's feature film debut immediately establishes his template of drawn-out, detached imagery culminating in a moment or two of shock. Excellent.

 

The Blood On Satan's Claw

 

A fever dream of flushed servant girls and indistinguishable curly haired lads succumbing to the devil, here represented as a cross between a capybara and Skeletor.

Inside Llewyn Davis

Examines the cyclical nature of rejection in pursuit of a self perpetuated ideal. An unlikely place to strike gold but the Coens deliver a bittersweet gem, as you would expect.