Elves

Sample dialogue:

"I'm your fucking sister"; "Yeah and you've got fucking big tits and i'm gonna tell everyone I saw them!"
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"Oral. Santa said oral."
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"The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas Eve to produce the master race and it will eventually rule the world."

Laughed my ass off.
Three Kings, how festive.

Santa's Slay

 
In which Santa is a homicidal ex-wrestler.
Both ludicrously entertaining and total shit.
King.
 

Initiation: Silent Night Deadly Night 4 [Bugs]

Adopts Halloween 3's strategy and presents a totally new tale completely unrelated to the previous movies. This one, directed by an on form Yuzna, tells of a lady reporter who accidentally gets involved with a coven of witches whilst investigating a mid-air spontaneous human combustion at Christmas time. There then follows a great deal of unsubtle drugging, crazed rituals and huge bugs until finally the reporter's hands fuse together into a giant flaming penis with which she stabs the head of the coven, played by a Bond Girl.
King.

Devil

 
A whodunit in a different container.
Comfortably the best thing Shyamalan has put his name to in the last eight years, which isn't saying much.
 

The Adventures Of Sharkboy And Lavagirl 3-D [2D]

 
My face tended to crumple with disgust as I watched this hyper-animated whimsy about following your dreams rendered in rampant CGI psychedelia.
At the end Charlotte exclaimed "We will have to watch that again!" proving she'd just watched a very different film and hers was a lot better.
 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey [3D]

 
People having lots of serious conversations about going on adventures and then lots of fights on gigantic underground bridge networks. Ace.
 

Gremlins

 
And so Christmas film season begins with the granddaddy of them all.
It can only go downhill from here.
 

Life Of Pi [3D]

 
A mesmerising spectacle capped with a vaguely insulting ending for stupid people so they can understand what happened.
 

Seven Psychopaths

 
A disappointing Adaptation clone.
 

Sightseers

 
A stunning mix of horrifically brutal murder and light, unforced black comedy deftly woven around a carefully shifting power balance. Fantastic use of music too, Frankie Goes To Hollywood has never sounded better.
 

Millions

 
Boyle has an off day and shits out this cack-handed, badly acted schmaltz.
 

Amour [Love]

 
An incredibly powerful depiction of a crushing inevitability we all must face.
 

The First Men In The Moon

 
Quaint.
 

Rise Of The Guardians [3D]

A visual feast populated with likeable characters wrapped around a hackneyed story about needing to belong which collapses under conflicted internal logic before finally drowning in saccharine mush at the end.
Par for the course as modern kids animation goes.

Taxidermia

Three intergenerational stories that i'm convinced are probably drenched in political allegory, but I don't know enough about Hungary's history so I watched a story about wanking, a story about fat people and a story about auto-evisceration instead.